DID, Had Most Out With Me For Quite a Few Days All in a Row, So Distressed, Some are
So many have all been out for lots of constand days in a row. Amy has been very stressed and some of us too, all about the same thing. The 2 youngest do not much care about it one way or the other, as it does not really matter to them at all. the very youngest, just always wants to play, go outside and loves to just twirl around with her around stretched out, with her nice white dress on, and feeling the wind as she gets to twirl, But, some of us that are older and Amy too, who has now gone into hiding for now are quite stressed, so very deeply depressed, so confused as to what we all should come together and really decide to do for a final decision. It is very hard to come to this extremely, life changing decision. Amy battled it all her life and so have some of us. We know to not tell you what it is, as that can not be known. But, Amy so much and those of us that are also going through this are so extremely depressed, so worried about what we all may decide on, what that will lead to for our life forever, and so, so much! The deep, dark depression involved with this is getting unmanagable and almost unable to control to a level that needs to be there to safe. This is such a huge deal for Amy and for some of us also. there is nothing more major in life as far as we all see it. Please help us all make it through this for now.
@Amelia2324 Hey :) I'm not - well - I haven't been too good with words much lately and there's been alot of isolating lately
I'm sorry to hear that you're all so stressed and I really get the depression part. Things have been like that here lately. And I'm probably wrong with my thinking and I guess some words on your post jumped out at me more than others. The part about knowing not to tell and final decision - its hard - I understand how hard everything is. I hope I'm wrong with my thinking - you've all fought hard to get here. Don't - ok? Talk to someone - is there something that can help? You're not alone - we'll listen - to anything you have to say - any of you - ok? Logan thinks I'm wrong and assuming the wrong thing. But that it's something equally important and changing for you all. Idk - I tend to read between the lines - so please - you can tell me if I'm wrong
I'm sorry if I'm thinking the wrong things and saying the wrong things. I guess we mainly want you to know that you're not alone - you don't have to go through this darkness alone - we'll sit quietly with you or whatever you all need - we're here - ok?
Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts - I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense at all
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you very much! It is very kind of you to respond. So very sorry that you haven't been doing too good lately and have been feeling like isolating lots. We know how that can feel and gets. We bet you have been also depressed a whole lot. Kind hugs to you and all. We, and Amy have always known to never tell about any of anything in all of life. For not telling about what Amy and some of us were posting about is a decison regarding a choice for us for what we have been battling with tons of years over. It is not a suicidal ideation, though, Amy and some of us have also been dealing with that as well. How about for you? How has your deprssion been for you? Please tell Logan, "Hi, and thanks." Our so hard, so long conflict and decision about it we are being more pressed about lately involves a combo of something that can be discussed on here, along with the other side of it, being something that can't be discissed on here. We all, and Amy, thank you so much for reaching out to us all. We wish it were just easy to talk about this, and we have nver talked abou this before in all the years. If you really knew how many years this covers, it would be a big shock. Just the place that Amy and some of us are in now, with some things in life, and being pushed by outside people and us pushing inside too, it is all getting too much to even bear, handle, or deal with. We all made it through last night. That is a good thing. We would love it if you would want to share with us about you and more about how you are doing. We care and would like to hear about you and what all you've been going through more, if it would be okay with you to want to share that with us. thank you so much! We will be thinking of you and we send gentle hugs and kindness to you.
@Amelia2324 You're welcome :) I can't tell you how glad I am that I was wrong in my thinking but I do understand the thoughts that are still there - kind of lurking in the background. Especially when things are going really bad and it's just chaos and you're getting pushed from all sides. I'm sorry you're dealing with those thoughts on top of everything else
It's not easy to talk about things - some things are secrets and those secrets - have a penalty if they're said. Like you have a gag order or well - a hand over your mouth and the ever present - shhhh in your ear. I'm sorry I don't mean to trigger you or anone else - the image made me alittle anxious tbh. It feels like some things that need to be talked about - it feels like it will k*ll you if you say it - literally
Outsiders - aside from them - what do you and yours feel is best? They're probably adding to the pressure I bet. Allthough it can be hard to come to an agreement together - like here with us probably - some are comfortable with sharing - others are not and it is so unbelieveably hard to know what the right thing to do is. Sometimes - tbh - I wish this would go away. I guess that sounds horrible but - there's time I just feel like I'm losing my mind but then there's times I'm grateful for them and the conflict in between the two - feels like it's tearing you apart sometimes. Our therapist says eventually things will get more managable - I hope so - boy do I hope so
I'm glad you all made it through the night - you're absolutely right - that is a very good thing
So - um - alittle about us. We were diagnosed alittle over two years ago - therapy started for self Harm. So it's still pretty new. We're a system of 13 - a new one came forward about two months ago. Beau. Most of us are fairly nice - some of us aren't - but we try to keep the worst one out of here - our persecutor - she's not willing to play nice. The depression used to not be as bad - anxiety was actually the biggest problem but there were things that happened - two abusers passed away - putting our dog down and then losing a safe person - my best friend - the depression deepened and with the friend - that really caused some trust issues between us and trust issues with outsiders - so - isolate. Which makes the depression worse too lol. This is pretty much how some of us socialize because we don't go out anywhere much
Logan says hello and you're welcome. Thank you for the gentle hugs and kindness :) We send some good vibes to you and yours too
I hope - you can all come to an agreement with what is best for you all and not what outsiders want or think is best - allthough they probably mean well - keep yourselves safe. You'll be in our thoughts. *sorry this got so long*
@mytwistedsoul
thank you for everything and all you shared! we are just not up to replying for now. hope you can realate or even understand. we will try our best to get back to you soond do good to find this area to the community.....had to ask from some in charge for a special like to find it again....we will really do our best to get back to you soon, just now now....not capable now. love you all.......hang in there and sure have dealt with lots of depression. hugs bye for now
@Amelia2324 Hey - its ok :) no worries. There's never any pressure or time line to reply - we definitely understand how it is
Take care ok?
@mytwistedsoul
have been either asked or told not to reply to anyone,...cant remebmer. Plese reply in hopefully a few more days, if acceptable for me to be able to reply back to you
@Amelia2324 Hi just checking to see how you are doing (but there is no pressure to answer).
@adventurousBranch3786
have been either asked or told, can't remember, to not reply to anyone......maybe check back in a few days and maybe I can then.
@adventurousBranch3786
Hi Branch,
Thanks for finding us and reaching out to us. 
It is very kind of you.
We do not know how you found us here. How did you find us here?
Branch,
Amy and some others resolved the problem from an outsider, with the help of someone else who understands it all, is trained to understand it all, and is so kind. The ousider who has been immensly pressuring us all to do things we do not want to do, and Amy kept trying and so did some of us, continually telling them we know, feel, and beieve what they have kept pressuring us to do, about 2 different things is so wrong for us all. Amy, and all but 2 of us believe for the 1st thing, and for what totally all of us believe for the 2nd thing that Amy and us have been being pressured about constantly.
But, still, there are a couple inside who are very unhappy about the decision to lose the outsider who was pressuring us all. Two of us liked them in lots of ways and found them so very helpful and so good to have around. The rest did also, for a quite a while. But, they, who all decided to end contact with the one pressuring all of us, we know they made a good decision, but, still the 2 of us are sad and upset about it. We two, hope to get over this with some time and learn to not have them around for us. We hope this makes some sense to you, Branch.
Branch, we shared that becasue we have been around you some, and you have always been so nice and kind. Plus, you also reached out to us.
Branch, we would really like to know more about you, if you want to let us know anything. We would just like to get to know you better and also, it is scary without knowing much. Please feel comfortable and please, we hope you can know that we are not wanting to put any kind of pressure on you. We never would want to do that, nor would Amy.
Branch, we are sorry if we sould know more at this point, and do not. If that is so, we very much appologize to you.
Branch, again, thanks kindly for finding us and reaching out to us. We hope to hear from you again, when you want and feel like it. 
@Amelia2324 Hi! I often read post's in the trauma section. Sometimes I don't post because I have trouble finding the words that I want to say. But I saw your post and wanted to see how you were doing. I think that I understand the situation that you have explained to me. I am glad to hear that a good decision was made. I like 50plus well because i'm over 50! I have also have had Ptsd/Cptsd since a young age so trauma is one of the areas that go to. I don't mind answering questions about myself at all. I'm glad to here from you.
@mytwistedsoul
Hi to you all,
Thanks for all of your understanding. It has meant so much.
We hope it does not trigger lots of you, but, we all agree how you talked about knowing how things must be kept a secret, or else. That was so, so major during all of a bit over our first decade of abuse. ...such a big part. We are sorry, we want, those who are here now, to say some more, but, like some of you feel, others inside are overriding us and it must stop.
All of us, with the help of someone who understands, have been able to get away from the main outsider that was pressuring us, in lots of different ways for lots of things. Two of us wanted to do one of those things, but none of the rest of us. On another thing this outsider kept pushing us all to do, none us wanted to do that and it was so wrong. It all has been tearing all of us up for a few months now, getting worse.
Yes, we understand about your conclicts inside. We do hope it gets better for all of you, as your therapist said it would. It is hard sometimes to control things and what each other wants inside.
Amy, has come to believe that it is a very good thing to have all of us, even if we all do not agree all of the time. Amy is grateful for all of us, as we have been with her for so many years and we all have, in, our different ways helped out lots. Some do not help as much as others, for sure, but, we are all here and are here to be with Amy.
We made it back to you all. We were getting very worried. We could not figure out which tab on the laptop, what place it was to look for, anything. We just had to to to see psychiatrist on zoom appointment. We are even more confused now. We know we belong to being here with you now. We know we are to be talking with you now. We, and Amy, and some others learned to copy and past what you and others write, so that who ever is answereing back can keep remembering what you or others said. Those who are here now, so what you said now. We will read it again, so we can figure it all out again, after seeing the psychiatrist. He only gives us medicine for stress/anxiety and something for our bad pain in our head/eyes area that is a psychotropic med.
We all think it is so very nice that you all want to share about how it has been for you. One of our younger ones has also come to talk with you. Hope it is ok. Some of you must have been feeling so awful and trapped, in a way, with the selp harm. Were those of you able to get their feelings out enough? How did some of you feel about being diagnosed a bit over 2 years ago? did it make sense, or was it hard on some of you to accept? It must be quite difficut in situations when your persecutor feels they want or need to come out and then what may go on. Our protector, Kirk, does not play and is so direct and most everyone does not know how to take him. He has said threatening things to some people, to help Amy. It scared them, from what we found out. How is it when your persecutor comes out? We know how anxiety is so much the bigest problem and bet that was and still is a hard problem for all of you. We all are so very sorry you all are into a big depression part now. It does make it different when an abuser dies. It leaves us with lots of thoughts, ideas, feelings, and much more. We are so sorry you lost your dog. That is very sad. Did any of your abusers kill your dog, or was it best that your dog have to be put down recently? Either way, it is so sad that you no longer even have your dog. We bet you miss them lots. Awe, how sad how you lost also your best friend!!! That is just too much loss to deal with!!! 
You all sure have been trying to deal with so many very sad and hard things. Please keep witing to us so we can know how you all keep doing. Please also write to us anytime, for any reason. Please tell, Logan, "hi," again from some of us and even from one of our younger ones, who is here again. They had to leave for a little bit, as they got scared with some things, but, are back again now. They want to make you smile and be happy. All of us want you to be happier, but, they wanted to say that to you, all by themselves. We all understand how it gets and is when can not trust the outsiders and have to not go out there. We will be here for all of you. Do you all think we should keep up with each other here, or, should we make a different topic or whatever you call in under DID? We do not know and are fine with whatever you think is best. We just want it to all be okay to keep in touch with all of you. We were told recently that we could reply people. We think that was very, very recently,...maybe in the last 3 days--just guessing on days, but, know we had very rough day yesterday, had to take lots of the anxiety medicine, took so many hours of it all yesterday. So glad we made it through it all yesterday. We had to leave here for a Dr. specialist appointment and couldn't get home for almost 6 hours after that and what all went on where we were was not good for any of us. But, we were told before yesterday, that we could reply and we told them we had been so sad that we could not reply to others. We all have felt really bad for not getting back to you all. We care about you all. Please write when you want and feel like it. We love it when you feel like you want to share some things also. It is nice getting to know you all. We are worried as a man has to come into the house tomorrow to work on the electrical panel box. We all are very worried about him being in here with us being in here too. We are very scared about this and scared about it today. He has to come in, or home goes bye-bye in 2 weeks. He seems like he is an ok man and seems nice, but, you know how they try to fool you and do fool you in the beginning lots. We also wanted to say that we think you all have been through an awful lot with your abusers and think this because you also have 13 of you.
Some of us want to tell you that we are not happy that Amy and some of the others got rid ot the pushing outsider. We liked them in lots of others ways, not those ways, but, lots of others was. We are mad about it very much!!!!!!!!!!!! We have not decided what we are going to do about all this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are very upset about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is not right and we do not want this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should have gotten Kirk to tell them to stfu and back off and maybe they would have. We do not know or know about any of this. We feel we have to comply with what is best for all the others. We think we need to do that. We are still upset and also so sad about no more contact with them ever. We did not mean to come out and tell you all this. Maybe we should not have, as the others are now upset that we have said this to you all. They know we do not know what is best for us all. We are sorry we have been confusing to you all. We are very sorry we have also gone and created another problem for the others inside. We need to be able to go away again. Sorry we bothered you all. We will let some of them come back now.
We hope you all will write to us again. We were very happy to learn some about you all. We look forward to hearing from you all again, any that may want to write to us. Sorry we had trouble with not keeping it short enough. Many of us love to write. We all hope this hasn't made any or all of you upset. If it has, please let us know. We want you to feel better. We all are sorry for all your loses. It is hard, very hard. We send you love today, and compassion, along with so much understanding.
@Amelia2324 Hello. :) I hope it's alright, I've decided to color code the sections with the colors used here. I thought perhaps it would be easier to follow. If you would rather we didn't do it this way, please just say and we won't do it again. :)
There is never any pressure to answer any of the questions or to talk abut anything that someone might find upsetting. I'm glad you were able to get away from the one who was pressuring everyone so much. I think that many people just don't understand the conflict certain things cause. They don't understand not having control over things. I'm glad that Amy sees having you all is a good thing. Unfortunately, we're not there yet.
I'm glad you were able to find us here again. We dislike the Zoom appointments. It's too easy for us to get distracted at times and I know we aren't taking in everything that's said. We often email, because it's easier to follow the words. Hopefully soon we will be able to go back to in person sessions.We also have med's to take for anxiety and pain but half the time they don't work like we feel they should.
It's always okay for anyone who would like to talk to come in :) Unfortunately, the SH is still an issue at times. I find it frustrating because it's often used for anxiety or punishment, but sometimes we're able to go a few days with out it being done. Some of the other's are very rough on this body and do not care for it as well as they should.
The diagnosis was hard to take for some, to other's it made sense, but it's been hard for J, our host, to accept. He feels it add's to his "I'm a monster" image. 1 of our protectors, sounds a lot like Kirk, no nonsense and tells it like it is, but he does have a playful side and does like to have a little fun. Our persecutor, doesn't play and just causes trouble. She's been very hard to get through to. She refuses to speak with our Doctor's and our Therapist. She is cruel to some of the other's inside. She's good at influencing things and basically hates everyone and everything. I'm glad the younger one who got scared, came back. They're so brave for doing that. :) You'll have to tell everyone hello for me, I'm Logan. :) The last 2 days have been difficult and some of the others have pulled back a little. Anxiety hit's sometimes and it seems like it's often out of no where but it can usually be narrowed down, but it is a very big problem some days.
Our dog had cancer, we found out Sept.19th and had to have her put to sleep on Thanksgiving day. It's burned into our memory and there are times when we still relive those moments. The friend has caused some issues for us. I'm sure none of us handled it as well as we should have but it was a first time for any of us. It has added to the desire to be more quiet because of things that she said and it makes our host nervous to talk about her sometimes. Sometimes, things said now, are similar to things said before and it causes a chain reaction or a domino effect.
I suppose it doesn't matter, if you'd like to we can keep up here or we can create another thread. I'm glad you were all told you can reply. It's good for everyone to have a place to express their thoughts and feelings and maybe make some friends. There's never any pressure to reply quickly. We're pretty patient. I'm sorry everyone had a rough day the other day and the anxiety was so bad. It was bad here for anxiety yesterday too, sometimes our muscles are held so tense, jaw clenched so tight that everything just hurts and muscles twitch.
I hope things went okay with the electrician yesterday, and we do understand how people seem nice and then you find out that they're not as nice as you thought. So I hope they continue to shw themselves as a nice person and get the work done so that they can leave and everyone can take a deep breath in relief.
Thank you, it went on for a long time, until we ran away and then we found more troubles. It's hard to remember it's in the past sometimes and we never realized how much.
It's okay for you to tell us that you're upset, I hope the other's still arent upset with you for telling us this. It hurts when people we get attached to leave our lives and sometimes we may not always know exactly why it has to happen. Maybe with a little time it will be easier for someone to explain why you can no longer have contact with this person. Unfortunately, sometimes we need to make sacrifices for what's best for everyone, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. You didn't bother me at all, I'm glad you came to talk with us and I hope you will again. :)
Thank you! It was wonderful to read your words and in many ways there was a sense of relief to find someone who understands how hard things can be. You're welcome to write as much as you want. :) There's no limits for length, I believe. Nothing you said made any of us upset and some of us are rather excited that we used different colors for the different sections. :) Thank you all for all your kind words, they mean a lot to hear and see and sometimes make a big difference. We send you peace, and good vibes and good thoughts. Take good care of yourselves, it was so wonderful to meet you all.
Logan
@mytwistedsoul
Logan, we are very mad at our laptop!!!
we all had taken a lot of time, replied to all of your message, and written a bit more. then, our mouse pad got all stuck and we were trying to get it unstuck and it ended up deleting everying we had open in all of Google, including your letter, Logan!
Logan, we are very sorry it lost it all. We must get it fixed in a couple of months if the bills allow. we are so sorry Logan. we did try so hard to reach out back to you. We will reply again Logan. we just can not do it now, as we are upset about all we lost to you. it is upsetting as it was important to us and we are sorry as this week so far has been so crammed packed and we are so sorry. we wanted to be in the right mood to write back to you, Logan. we will soon. we just cant go right back to it right now. have a good night. Logan bye
@Amelia2324 Hey :) its ok. I know it's frustrating though when that happens. Sometimes when I write - the site signs me out and I lose everything too. Or I close it - I'm never sure if that's by accident or on purpose. I usually have to take a step back because it takes away the desire to write. It's ok though - no rush - no hurry. And nothing to be sorry for ok? I hope the weekend gives you all a chance to relax and unwind alittle :) *hugs to you all*
J
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Logan, and others who may be there,
It sure is easier to follow things, and remember things with email and messages like this. If we had both been zooming all this time, we would have not much idea of anything. So, I/we do understand. No, the anti-anxietyand pain meds both neither one work as I/we feel they ever should either. They are only slightly a tiny bit of help, sometimes none. Sorry the SH is still so strong for some of you. It must be very hard with others not agreeing at all with it. We sure bet you all have some intense things going on back and forth over the SH. We have some things we all do not agree on also and go back and forth for a while, but, we know it is not near as difficult as some of what you all are dealing with back and forth. Also, with having your persecutor, that even makes things super-duper hard. I or we did not know that your SH was also used for anxiety and punishment. Wow, does that make it even more worse inside with everyone! Bet it was harder on some, more than others, and J too, to accept the Dx of SH. We all are so sorry that you all have to deal with it, go through it, and also have the battle with the others with it. That all is so much to deal with!!!!!!
Your persecutor must be very rough to deal with for most all of you, especially the younger ones that were even scared off, but, got brave and finally came back. Please tell them we are proud of them for being so brave to come back. Hopefully, maybe one day, your persecutor will want to talk to either your Dr. or therapist, or both. That would be an amazing day. She must be manuplative, as she is so good at getting her way. She must be suffering with a tremendous load to be so angry and cruel towards all of you. It must be so hard on her that she may not know any other way to deal with it all.
I/we so much understand how anxiety is the biggest culprit of everything. It does come and go in waves. You just never are sure what a day or the next day, or whatever will hold.
That was a big loss with your doggie on Sept 19th. for the Dx, then, with them having to be put down on Thanksgiving. How so utterly sad and so lost. We do not have words for the sadness, but, we feel it so much inside. It makes us sad too when we remember how he killed our cat when Amy was a kid. We all loved our cat. It had taken a few bad beating before, but, we were glad that it never had to take any more after that. We are also sad when they said that they shot our dog in the head. We did not understand why they would even do that to our poor dog. He had not bothered them any. We do not know which one of them did it, and it did not matter, as they had already done it, when they got us away for a week. We thought something was up about that. We had to just ask why and walk away because we were hurt, mad, upset at them for doing that to our dog that never did anyone any harm and was so nice. We still believe it was because it was our dog that they shot him in the head. We knew how they felt about us, but, our dog??? We knew what they were capable of. they went on to get better and better at what they did to us. They got good until we got bigger, then it was all him doing all of it. He used to be a semi-pro boxer and was going pro until he was talked out of it by his father. He was quick, we will give him that. We will not talk about it anymore now. We do not want to talk about him or any of the many others that did things. No more.
We are upset that your friend has been causing you some issues. Whatever went on, it must have been hard to deal with. With it being very hard to deal with, we understand how it makes you all want to go back and be more quiet. We are sorry it has been quite stressful for you all. We hope it can get better. We know you all were mentioning about way in the past and that you all finally ran away and then more things happened. It is hard to talk about a lot of things. When you all do get ready, if you want, we are here and care about you and what happened, if any of you, or you Logan wants to share. We know we have not shared about all the things we went through yet either. It is very hard to do that for us. Plus, it is not that safe where we are writing either. We wished there were just a place that only you all and us could read. So, that makes it even more scary for us all.
We hope you, Logan, and the rest, had a good weekend. We all must go now. We have a horrible headache. bye
@Amelia2324 Hello to everyone :)
We're sorry to hear that your meds don't work well for you's either. I'm sorry to hear that you all go back and forth on things too. With the SH - with the anxiety it helps ease it - as sick as that may sound. It's allmost like a release I guess but it only last for so long and then I feel bad about it afterwards. As punishment - again it's a sick thing to do - to use it as punishment for things that were said or done. Giving that pound of flesh for mistakes. We know we need to use other coping methods but sometimes we like the pain of it - some of us anyway. We're sorry for everything you're dealing with too and for so long - it worries me alittle because I had hoped or thought that things would get better - easier I guess
She can be rough to deal with, the things she says and makes some of us think. She feeds insecurities and reminds us of how we failed in so many ways with so many things. It's our understanding that she holds alot of trauma but so far is unwilling to open up about it. She tells us to shut up and keep quiet - that noone cares anyway - alot of times we believe what she says
We're so so sorry to hear about your cat and dog - those are painful memories for you all to have. I sometimes think that they'd do things like that because it was something that brought us - Idk - peace - love. We got comfort from our animals and things like that were often to show us that we have nothing - there is nothing that can care for us. If there is - they took it away. It showed how powerful they thought they were. We're sorry for what he did to you - you didn't deserve any of that - you deserved love and compassion
With the friend - I can't take any support for that because it was my fault. Logan added to it or made it worse by saying things he did - but it was my fault for not understanding things better - for not being quiet about it. She was ready for more - she deserved more - she needed more. We weren't ready for all that - some of us were afraid and now I'm afraid to talk about it and I feel such shame and guilt when I do
It helps alittle when it comes to talking about things here by remembering that it's anonymous but there is still fear - or judgement - rejection and even pity. Sometimes we still struggle with thinking we deserved it and some people aren't allways very nice with comments - we often wish there was a way to message other members or if we could edit or delete our own stuff. We try to remember what our therapist says about not being afraid of the truth but some days we feel afraid of everything
We hope you had a good weekend too and hope that your headache is better now
*leaves a hugs for everyone* Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
J
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I saw where Logan, or whoever was out had been experiencing a lot of anxiety. Has there been some times or days where the anxiety has been a little better, or, are most days like that always for most of you all?
Please try to not lose hope for it being and getting better for you all. We were mis diagnosed and given anti-psychotics for so very many years. During all those years, we were not able to progress with improvement. Also, we did not have a therapist for those tons of years. Yes, we were diagnosed with DID and DPTSD, but, also with another thing, which was why were were continually given the wrong medications that seemed to block our thinking and hinder us in all kinds of ways of getting bettter. That medication also blocked communication within from us. Now, that is not the case. So, please do not lose hope for you all, just because it took us a long time. You have your correct diagnosis and hopefully not the other one we were also given wrongly for tons of years with it's medication we did not need. You all seem to be on track, even through it is very hard with all you go through. You are also already working with a good threapist who seems to know what they are talking about. That is so helpful and will be good for all of you. It does take time to process and deal with so much of this that you all have been through. It will and does get better. We are very happy that you all are getting help now, not waiting for a ton of years. Logan and the rest of you, will get better and better. Yes, there will be many hard times that arrise, but, it is a process. We hope that you all can stay with your good help.
It does seem hard dealing with your persecutor. She must hold so much of the trauma that she can not yet deal with opening up about any of it. It probably will take more time for her than most of the rest. It makes sense how she tells you all to shut up and keep quiet--that noone cares anyway. That must be the way that she feels deep inside and the way that she is doing the best to cope now--to not let the trauma that she holds out yet, because she just can not handle doing so yet. It makes sense that a lot of the time, you all believe what she says. She is very powerful inside for you all and has also done a lot of attacking to others.
We understand what you are saying about the situation with your special friend. We really do. It is ok to feel the way that you did. It is very hard to go ahead with that feeling unsure and not knowing if that is what you want. It is even more difficult with dealting with it inside with those wanting things to go one way and others not wanting things to go on. We all so much know about the shame and guilt those of you are feeling--associated with this. We also have parts of us and even our host also, from something very similar for us. It does feel bad with having these feelings for sure. Feeling of shame and guilt are hard feelings to deal with too.
It does help that it is anonymous here. We understand and also feel as you do--that there is still fear over judgement, rejection, people not understaning or wanting to understand, and pity. We also know the feeling of thinking you all deserved it all. Even feelings of shame and guilt over the abuse/trauma is very common with what we have been through. You all have a good therapist who tell you all lots of good advice--as in this case to not be afraid of the truth. That is a hard thing to learn to deal with also. We are happy for Logan and the gang, and hope that you all keep getting to work with your therapist lots.
Thank you, Logan, and the rest for writing with us. We love it when you do. Please write more to us.
We use our laptop and the screen sometimes gets gigantic, as it has done now for the past paragraph where we were replying to you all. We are going to try to see if we can be able to send this and not lose it, with the screen this way. We hope we can. We just did not want to stop in the last paragraph back to you all and lose everything above. We will write to you all agian. Thank you Logan and the gang for being our friends.
@Amelia2324 Thank you for your encouragement. For alittle while the anxiety was alittle better but lately it gets worse some days usually when there's things to do. There's alot fo issues with time - if something takes awhile to do - sometimes we can get it to calm down that its managable but sometimes it's harder. There's alot of fear about sayng the wrong things too - fear of hurting people - fear of being hurt in return - we're not very good people
She repeats alot of things - she says things we say will just be used against us and it has - even coming here - in the beginning opening up to a listeners - we were asked if we m*rdered anyone. That kept us quiet for awhile - made it alittle harder to share and we no longer talk to those people
With that friend - we tried to make her understand but it just made it worse it seems - can't blame her for leaving. It did add alittle to the self hatred on my part but Idk - I'm ok with it. I'm sorry you're all going through something similar - um - is this with the person who was pushing things? It's ok if you'd rather not say - sometimes I ask too many questions. We don't ask as many as we used too - we used to think it was better to know things - lately though Idk - I don't think it is sometimes
Recently - there was someone asking for scientific proof that alters exist. Even though it's anonymous - we still know it's us behind the screen. We're grateful for the therapist we have - it took awhile to find him. The other therapists in the beginning weren't so good - they were pushy and demanding - we often ended up just walking out of sessions with them and there was alot of swearing on our part. If it wouldn't be for who we have now as a therapist - Idk if we'd still be here
We're glad it's ok to write here - sometimes - ok alot of times lately - we worry that maybe we shouldn't wright anyone. Not all of us though
Sometimes we'll write things in google docs or in word or notes to keep it from getting deleted - because that is really frustrating and sometimes we get angry about it. Sometimes the site it's self decides that something said was wrong and it censors it and it gets deleted. That makes us angry too because there's no chance to just go back and fix it when it's all gone
Thank you too - We're grateful to have met you all :) We're sorry though for all you've gone through and hope that things get better for all of you too
Hi J,
thanks for writing to us. It is very nice of you
Sorry we could not get some nice pretty colors in earlier. Our laptop messes up quite often for us and we are not sure how to get it somewhere to get it fixed or who to even take it to. We can not drive, as we were told we could not my a good psychiarist many years ago because one or more alters used to take the car and go shopping and when our host, A, would wake up the next morning, there was piles of stuff from the store--hundreds of dollars of stuff. That alter also used to take the car, drive around the state and one time up into another state, The troopers and police gave our host big tickets. So, he said that we had to give up the car and we all agreed that we should do that, along with our host. So, we just deal with the laptop for now and wish it would not mess up, but, it keeps messing up and none of us even know how to fix it one bit.
Some of us have wanted to write to our therapist today, but our host flat out refused and would not let any of us write to out therapist today, We are mad about that!!! Our host we think is scared of what we want to write, we think. We are not really sure, but that is what we think. They are pretty upset with most of us right now about what some of have written to her. But, we want our time and to be able to say what we want to. We hardly ever get to say what we want!!!!!!!!!!! Some of us are uspet at our stupid host. They do not know it all or what all we really want to write about. They should let us!!!!!!!
What do you think, J? What should we do about them not letting us write what we want when we want to write to her? We are mad!!!!!!!
@Amelia2324 Hey :) You're welcome - thank you for writing back
Our littles like using the different colors :) to match your's in each section
I hope you can get your laptop fixed eventually. I'm told it could be an issue with the graphics card but I'm not sure - but we have one here who's pretty sure he could figure it out if he could look at it lol. I'm sorry you had to give up the car - even if you all agreed it was for the best - it makes things alot harder I'm sure but it's good that you're all safe
Sometimes that's a problem here too. I think we write to our therapist too much but he assures everyone that he wants us to write - it helps keep him aware of things that are going on. Maybe if you could give your host an idea of what you wanted to write about maybe you could reach an agreement about writing because it's better to get things out and not hold it in Or maybe you could write it out and let them see before you send it - do you think that might be an idea?
It's ok to be upset and angry but I hope you can talk about it with each other and come to an agreement that works for everyone. Maybe if they see or have an idea about what you want to write about maybe they'll be more willing to let you write? Or maybe you can write it down in a journal - even if it's just for yourselves
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Logan, J, and the others,
That is so sweet that your littles like the colors to match the sectios. Our littles love colors for lots of things too, and often get upset when they can not get to use colors.
That is cool that you have one that can do things like fix laptops and such. They must be good at fixing other things also.
Glad your therapist wants you all to write to him all the time and let him know lots that goes on. That is very nice of him and so helpful, right? Most of us, but, Kirk, are still upset at our host and upset that they may have ran our therapist off, again, by talking about other things. Our host and most of us are still so sad about all this and upset most of us are quite upset at our host still. They keep making some stupid mistake and do not learn right from them, and it keeps causing them and all of us problems. Thank you for writing to us about to keep writing. We do have our own journal place, on Penzu. We all like it there. We can pick from lots of colors, lots of fonts, and more. We just wish it would give us some emoji's to use. We miss good emoji's, especially our two younger ones.
We would like to hear from you all, if you still want to write to us. We miss hearing how things are for you all. We are sorry if we were bad. We like you all.
@Amelia2324 Hello everyone.
The younger ones enjoy coloring. Crayons, marker, colored pencils, you name it. They even like the app's that you can get for phones that allow you to color.
That would be Ari, he likes to take things apart but is rather talented with fixing many things. We're not sure where he picked it up from, he just seems to know how to do things.
It is helpful, but sometimes it does lead to conflicts. Especially when J feels some of us write too often. Hopefuly your host hasn't chased off your therapist. I would hope that they're more resilient and understanding of how things can sometimes be and that they'll take into consideration everyone else's wishes as well as just your host's. I hope things work out with your therapist. If it's any consolation, we lost a therapist in the beginning. Our first one, because Kade backed him into a corner. He decided that he could not help us. We've heard of Penzu but haven't looked into it. If we don't write here, we have paper journals that we use. Our littles don't all write, some are a lot younger and just draw pictures or comic type entries. Some of the emoji's are rather odd to me but I do understand the fun that they can be. The emoji's on site here are lacking, but there are all kinds of different one's for the phone, but I prefer writing on the laptop because the key board on the phone is so small. The app we used to use with our "friend" used to have what the littles called stickers, they had monster and pirate pictures and some were little gifs. They enjoyed those but we don't use that app anymore.
We don't think you were bad at all. We enjoy writing to you, although our host worries about saying something that might hurt someone or that sometimes the thngs we share get used against us. Which unfortunately has happened recently. We like you all too.
@mytwistedsoul
how often do you all get to go to see your therapist?? how do those of you that talk to your therapist like seeing your therapist? how do all of you feel afterward, usually. ...know how it can be different each time with things..........
most of us want to go more often
we all are supposed to see our therapist tomorrow. guess we will find out if she still want to be our therapist, or if our host screwed us up too bad again.
@Amelia2324 We see him once a week, we used to have an art therapy class that we used to do on Saurday's but when the virus closed things down that had to stop. I think they have them on zoom now or they may be doing it in person with the distancing in place. It depends usually, a lot of times we feel lousy afterwards, but sometimes it actually seems to help calm things down a little. It makes us tired some times. There are times that we feel chaotic afterwards. We're supposed to tell our therapist when we feel that way because he wants to help calm things before we leave but, most times we lie and say we're fine. We still haven't gone back to in person sessions yet, but it's my understanding that it will at the end of this month
I have asked about going more often as well, but currently he doesn't really have the free time to give us as he's pretty booked.
I hope your therapy session went okay today and that they want to continue with you all.
Hope you don't mind - just wanted to check in with everyone. Wanted to do it sooner but had a hard time finding this thread and couldn't remember the name of it. Has the electrician finished up yet?
