Not sure if I have a dissociation disorder but I’m reaching out for advice

@dis713 Hey, you are totally right that you should see a professional for evaluation and we can't diagnose you, nor could you or your friends do that. I understand consulting a professional can come with quite a few worries. Let's go through them one by one.

What if i do have some sort of dissociation disorder?

- In that case, a professional will most likely be able to figure this out and once you know it you will be able to address it with the right therapy. Please note there are various dissociative phenomenons and disorders and dissociation disorder does not automatically mean dissociative identity disorder.

What if I’m faking it?

- Faking / artificial disorder is something that is done knowingly and on purpose so if that was the case you would already know it at this point. In that case, it is important to note that nothing happens and is done without a reason. Our behavior is something we learned that helps us to get through life and certain challenges. It would be important to identify why someone feels like they need a certain behavior, which desires and needs may be underlying here, and what someone is trying to achieve so they can find a "better" way to get along.

What if I never find out?

I am positive people are qualified to find out if you really have that. I won't tell which ones they are so people who actually fake can't use this knowledge but there are certain criteria how someone who is really educated about and familiar with DID can distinguish between a real or faked DID. There is no one ultimate proof for either but there are indications that can provide a more or less clear direction. There is also not only real or faked, it can as well be that there is something but that the explanation is different. Finally, it is not so important will or won't find out. Yes, a diagnosis can lead to the right therapy but it is more important what you do with it than how you call it.

How could it be DID if the only trauma i can recall having in my pretty good childhood was the miscarriage my mother had and the sadness that followed that death?

I am not a professional with completed education but I am quite sure that this cannot cause DID.

I often realize that what is shared in media can lead to people overthinking about or overpathologizing certain things. Dissociated personalities would most likely not be aware of each other before a long time of therapy or the person could not identify them as that. Not saying in every case, but this is quite a reliable tendency. I get the impression that increased presence on social media of real as well as faked DID (attention with tiktok here) lead to people pathologizing things like different moods or their fantasy (the last one is rather when people think imaginary friends are alters). You might just sometimes like this more, and other times that. You might be more "moody" when it comes to preferences than friends but this doesn't mean you must have DID.

As you pointed out, it would be the best thing to get professionally evaluated if you are wondering if you might have DID or not. Just here, be careful as well, and don't hesitate to get various opinions if you can afford it. I realize some professionals are being really confused about the whole DID thing, some giving out (wrong) diagnoses like candy, and some even trying to convince people from a trauma they can't remember (and which isn't there) just because this would be the easier explanation for everything. In your case, I would definitely recommend a behavior-centered professional (DBT/CBT) over someone with depth psychological/ psychoanalyst approach.

many people fear the stigma of this diagnosis. people online and in real life use DID as a punchline or like a bludgeon. i understand deeply your trepidation in this regard.

i grew up falling through the cracks in every way. went from 5 to 20 without the diagnosis. it also intersected with autism and masking to stay “safe” from people.

i am deeply saddned you are having identity confusion, and bouts of identity clashes. it is akin to having a war in one’s mind.

identity is not always seamless. for some, it is harder to maintain when worldviews are shaken and a sense of safety is stolen. when agency is denied, this also can cause trauma.

and people will ask “what happened?” and one of the cruelties is that the mind sometimes blocks memory (to survive) and people are often at a loss.

your experiences and feelings are valid.

trauma feels like a black hole of the mind, its gravity warping every thought, and memories are distorted by its presence. i feel deep sorrow that you are in this space and my hope for you is that you are patient with yourself. i also hope that you find peace.

i know that words can seem trite while being down and in this set of feelings.

get assessed, but be sure that the person you are seeing is trauma informed. my first therapist missed it for 6 months, because she wasn’t a trauma specialist. she apologized and i forgave. humans cannot know what they don’t know.

if you want to chat, i’m free.

take care and please be gentle with yourself.

I feel the same way, @dis713. Almost exactly the same way. I have come to believe(at least some of my parts have) that trauma is an internal process. It is not an external event that has to hit someone else’s bench mark of horribleness. Trauma occurs when we are faced with more then our nervous systems can handle and no one to help us process it. As children, we are sensitive and vulnerable to the smallest changes in out parents emotional states. Children typically blame themselves when their parents aren’t calm and happy. I have found the therapeutic literature that grapples with Complex PTSD/developmental trauma/relational trauma-whatever you want to call it-to be compassionate, non-pathologizing, and respectful. Internal Family Systems Theory is one of these therapeutic models. It speaks the language you are speaking. It tells us we are not crazy, we just need some help organizing and regulating our internal environments. They think all of us have many parts to our personalities. You are not crazy and you don’t have to be diagnosed with DID to think of yourself in this way. I’ve started working with it and I really like it. Unfortunately, I’ve been sidelined by present day trauma and debilitating depression. So I don’t know. Below is stuff about me. Don’t feel obligated to read it. I hope that you can find a place of understanding and acceptance.

There are parts of myself that believe I am inherently bad and utterly unfixable. I didn’t get what I needed when I was a kid because I didn’t deserve it. My faultyness was evident early on and made it impossible for my parents to give me warm, joyful love. The proof of my defectiveness is present everywhere in the internal and external disorder of my life.

My childhood was not horrific. I don’t think I am repressing a traumatic memory, though who knows. What I do remember is that my father was a yeller. He had rage which came out unpredictably. He was physically violent with things. Throwing things mainly. I have only 1 memory of him hitting me in anger(though I believe there may be more from when I was younger). I was very young, pre-school. I wouldn’t stop crying, so he grabbed my arm, pulled me off my feet, and hit my ass. The emotional violence of this event was repeated innumerable times, even if the hitting wasn’t. (Unfortunately, in our culture this is typical child rearing behavior. Nothing I shouldn’t have been able to weather. Frankly, I think the way we treat children-callously and violently-is why our world is falling apart.) Other times, when he wanted to play at being “good father,” he was fun. Even then though, it was really all about him. Ahhh, narcissism. The gift that keeps in giving through endless generations. My mother is emotionally extremely reserved. She is not skillful emotionally. No one taught her. She had the ability to tuck her pain and loneliness away and function. Sure, passive-aggressively and emotionally shut down, but nonetheless, she did what had to be done. Through her depression she cooked the meals, payed the bills, cleaned and clothed the children. I’m thankful to her for that, but she was overwhelmed with my emotions. She reacted with exasperation and judgement. This is how she learned to cope in her dysfunctional family of origin. I am not angry at her like I am at my father. Still, the family they created was not the warm, nurturing environment I needed.

I think I was a sensitive child; unusually vulnerable. I believe I inherited an anxious nervous system, fine tuned through generations of brutal child rearing. My childhood was traumatizing to me. It wouldn’t be to somebody else. I couldn’t write a salacious book about it. It doesn’t garner sympathetic “ahhhs.” Nonetheless, I was traumatized. Trauma is an internal process, not an external event. Life is traumatizing. When a child has a warm, validating person to be present with us and our overwhelming feelings; we will probably move through it unscathed. If we don’t, we may carry it with us through the rest of our lives and unwittingly hand it down to our children. Here’s the good news. I will not be passing this suffering down to future generations. Nor will my brother. He had a vasectomy in his 20’s, so sure was he that he didn’t want children. My other brother, unfortunately, has a child whose suffering is palpable. And so it goes.