Am I gonna be fine? Idk
There's been many traumas that I experienced when I was a kid and young, and I'm afraid those might have taken a toll on me and are taking a toll on be rn (even tho I mostly recovered from it). Feels like it left a scar. I am not the same person I'd have been if I never faced those stuff.
I think being abused and neglected by my parents left a huge effect on me, I can't bond with any parental figure.. and that's just one of the effects in the list.
I just can't seem to be open and vulnerable anymore.. like I literally can't. I feel like I am doing something wrong and it feels weird.. and I feel like I shouldn't be doing that. I like to avoid that.
I think the only person I've been open to and connected with was that one nice and kind online friend who offered me support and that's it, and even then I was at my lowest point and I was emotionally and behaviorally unstable back then. So 'opening up' to that person was not much of a voluntary decision but rather a natural and instinctive one. I was quite surprised and glad she stayed there and helped me.
But anyways, when it comes to opening up to somebody irl or to somebody I know, I just can't do it at that point.. no matter how accepting and good they are. It's not just opening up, but also I just can't seem to connect with them either. I'm cold and distant and apathetic mostly. And I think that neglect and abuse at least plays a major part in this. If I had a support system from people who were dear to me then I don't think it would've turned out this way.. then again I don't like blaming my traumas or tragedy for how it is.
I don't know if I I'm gonna be okay and if eventually I'd adapt or if this scar is gonna fade.. but it did leave a lasting effect on me, that's for sure. I just hope it turns out well.
@Axzear Childhood trauma does leave scars unfortunately. You're absolutely right that it changes who you might have possibly been.
I hope so, thank you. I was shutted up, abandoned and even worse- abused when I was dealing with something and opened up and expressed myself, and I was always misunderstood.. I guess that's why it feels like I'm doing something wrong whenever I try to express my feelings or open my heart to somebody. I am not sure if I would fully recover but I think I'd like to recover and feel and experience things that any decent human being experiences for once. I am more afraid to open up and connect than to be judged or anything like that. It's like an irrational barrier that's preventing me.
When I opened up to her back then, that night, I felt the like a weight was removed from my chest and for the first time I felt so relieved that I started crying from relief and joy. I'd like to trust and be open to somebody irl like that..
@Axzear You're welcome. You could be right. If you were going through things at the same time you were trying to express yourself, your brain may have combined both together. Making you feel that if you open up something bad might happen again. Our brains are pretty complex with how they handle information and experiences.
Yeah I don't know about therapists, but I am doing stuff that helps me and trying to do better. Those stuff did kinda help me and it did help me recover quite well from it, just some portion of it is still left behind and I am trying to find out what to do with it as well, it's quite stubborn and hence it's harder to recover fully.
