A year later

Its almost been a year since my (soon to be) ex husband raped me and honestly I feel like all of my progress has been for nothing. I understand healing isn't a straight arrow. Its a roller coaster. But this feels...excessive. I dont know if its because in a month it'll be officially one year or if its because in a few weeks I have the court date that officially makes us divorced. Maybe its a mix of both. Everything has just come crashing back though. My current partner playfully grabbed me (not even sexually just wrapped his arm around my waist) yesterday and it almost sent me into a full panic. I was in tears just because I was grabbed i mean how pathetic is that??

I'm having nightmares again, its been 2 weeks since I've been sexually active with my partner and I know that doesnt seem like a lot but we're usually intimate in one way or another multiple times a week so its a big downgrade for us. I can't even be alone before the thoughts start creeping into my head again. Driving, in the shower, trying to cook dinner, a slow period at work, it doesnt matter flashback to those horrible 3 months of constantly feeling violated and unsafe in my own home..

I thought I was finally doing better, like I had it all behind me and then over night it all came flooding back and I just dont know what to do anymore.