LowlyLobster Member Profile

Ups and downs

Trauma Support / by LowlyLobster

December 24th, 2025

...See more Ive posted about my journey dealing with the abuse from my ex husband a few times in this thread so I figured I might as well bring the good news to you and a kinda..good..kinda bad? News as well. This week my divorce will officially be finalized. I will no longer be attached to him and can continue on with my life. Downside. I have to send him his copy of the divorce paperwork. For my own mental health I decided against texting him to get his new address. But I still had to get it to him some how, perfect because I can send it to his dad (or get the new address from him). Bad news I deleted his dad's number, I only kept my exs because I knew i would need to contact him for this. I never expected him to actually get up and go to work to get an apartment on his own (I begged him constantly to do just that for us). So I ended up going through our old text to find the number. And god..rereading the text and seeing just how unhappy I was. How much I despised being home and took any available opportunity to not be there. I came across one where I texted him I was having a horrible day at work and was litterally begging for him to save any hard conversations or arguments for tomorrow... Plenty of him non stop texting me while I was busy. Forcing my plans short so he can do what he wants to do. Text of me trying desperately to defend myself from situations I shouldn't be defending in the first place. You can see the progress. The fear, the isolation. Me slowly pulling away from the relationship as i realized there was no fixing it. The worst was in the upper text how painfully hard I was trying to hold it all together. How I tried everything to appease him, to make the relationship a little easier on us, like if I can make myself small enough I could fit into the 'perfect wife' box he tried to shove me in. I gave him my everything. And the further down you go painting grows. The Rollercoaster i felt daily so plainly shown in text, things that I struggled so hard to come to terms with so obviously laid out. It hurts. In a way I never thought it would. It didnt feel real at first. That these were OUR texts. That I was in that. It wasn't how I remembered it at all. In a weird way it..validated so much. Ive talked to a few people in my life about it but none of them have been able to get that level of validation. That I wasn't crazy, that this was real. That everything i felt during that time wasnt just a dramatization, I could read it, see it all over again. How horribly obvious it was on the outside but knowing how incredibly normal it felt in the moment. So many nights of 'you should of known, they all knew why didnt you??' flew out the window. Of course you didnt know. It didnt start like this. It grew to this. Piece by piece, knock down after knock down. He made it normal. Stretching the boundaries slowly until they were so thin they might as well of not existed. So for anyone else out there who isnt out yet, or those who are and are feeling crazy for not knowing. How could you have? They made you blind, its not a fault on you, its on them. No one can understand that until they've been through it. I used to think it before all this. Why dont they just leave? How dont they see what im seeing? Because they didnt blind everyone else, they just needed to blind you. Its easy to say from the outside, but as someone whose been in that position I want to say what I wish someone told me. Youre not crazy. And im glad you've finally realized it. It doesnt matter how long it took. You did it. And im proud of you.

S/A warning

Trauma Support / by LowlyLobster

October 11th, 2025

...See more I dont really have anyone I can talk to about this so I figured ranting it out here might help a little. Almost a year ago my (now ex husband) raped me. From November until February I was..not in a great head space. I had myself convinced it wasnt actually rape, that he didnt know, that I wasnt being clear enough. At some point my mental health plummeted from not feeling safe in my own home, from never being calm. My best friend noticed and got me to talk about everything. He helped convince me it was rape and together we made a plan of escape but getting closer with this friend only made things worse with my ex. He raped me over and over again. I couldn't sleep, I threw myself into my work taking any excuse to not be home. Which also made my home life worse. Constant arguing. Him trying to convince me that we're not going to feel better in this relationship until I accept we have to have sex consistently. I made a plan, tried my best to appease him so I could get a place of my own set up and leave without him ever knowing. Then one day my body gave in. Days without proper sleep, months of abuse and some of the worst mental health I ever had, I passed out. I dont remember when I did but when I woke up he was eating me out. It almost grosses me out more than him going all the way. Him doing something he would receive no pleasure from. It felt especially cruel. I still dont really understand why he did, what it was giving him to shove his tongue in my unconscious body. I woke up in a bit of a haze not completely sure what was happening and he took that as his cue to go all the way with me. He managed to slip in before I fully came too and started fighting him off of me. I hid in the bathroom trying to slow my breathing. I was freaking out and knew id never be able to fall asleep in that house. I packed a bag as fast as I could. Shoving in as much as I could remember I would need, toothbrush, hair brush, change of clothes for work. He was arguing with me the whole time. He tried to pull my bag away from me and hide my keys. We were screaming so loud we woke the neighbors up. I finally managed to get away from him with my go back and keys and got the door locked just as he tried to open my door. He started slamming on the window and I drove away as fast as I could. I called that friend in a panick asking if I could crash at his place for a night. It was like 2 in the morning. He still lived with his dad at the time, luckily I had already met his father and his dad had picked up on some signs from my husband already and he welcomed me with open arms. Told me I could stay as long as I needed to. The next afternoon I came back to the house. Packed all my stuff up. Called my mom to tell her everything. She drove over night to help. I got everything packed up and when he got home he looked around asked if we were divorcing and when I said yes he told me to get out of his house then. I asked if I could get my stuff tomorrow since it wouldn't all fit in my car. I spent another night at my friend's and in the morning I got all my stuff packed in my and my mothers car. A few days later I returned for the few things that wouldn't fit and my dog. I half expected my stuff to be gone but I knew my dog would be safe because I left him under the impression he could have her. When I returned though I quickly brought her and her stuff to the car. He started yelling at me and demanding to know why I was ruining our marriage and claiming i never loved him. He refused to let me leave again even slamming my car door shut everytime I tried to get in. I remember hearing my dog barking at him trying to get to me when he grabbed me by the arms and started to shake me demanding I tell him if I ever cared about him. It was a big blurr from there. I cant remember what I did to finally get myself free of him. I just remember him kicking the fence as I left. Speeding down that road for the final time. I made it a few cities over before I finally pulled over, satisfied he didn't follow me. I remember pulling my dog into my lap and crying until I physically couldn't cry anymore. My head hurt, my whole face was puffy, and I wasnt sure what my next steps were but I was finally out. Its been a long year since. A very bumpy road. Recently my progress has regressed and I dont know how to get back on track. But I think talking it out like this. Telling the full story for the first time, i think thats a good place to start.

A year later

Trauma Support / by LowlyLobster

October 6th, 2025

...See more Its almost been a year since my (soon to be) ex husband raped me and honestly I feel like all of my progress has been for nothing. I understand healing isn't a straight arrow. Its a roller coaster. But this feels...excessive. I dont know if its because in a month it'll be officially one year or if its because in a few weeks I have the court date that officially makes us divorced. Maybe its a mix of both. Everything has just come crashing back though. My current partner playfully grabbed me (not even sexually just wrapped his arm around my waist) yesterday and it almost sent me into a full panic. I was in tears just because I was grabbed i mean how pathetic is that?? I'm having nightmares again, its been 2 weeks since I've been sexually active with my partner and I know that doesnt seem like a lot but we're usually intimate in one way or another multiple times a week so its a big downgrade for us. I can't even be alone before the thoughts start creeping into my head again. Driving, in the shower, trying to cook dinner, a slow period at work, it doesnt matter flashback to those horrible 3 months of constantly feeling violated and unsafe in my own home.. I thought I was finally doing better, like I had it all behind me and then over night it all came flooding back and I just dont know what to do anymore.

Getting it off my chest

Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by LowlyLobster

August 9th, 2025

...See more I dont really know how to start this to be honest. Im just feeling a bit lost. I have been struggling with paranoia and auditory hallucinations for..awhile now. It can be rough sometimes to say the least. My partner will act a little off and I question if he's the same person or if he's even with me because he loves me or if its some conspiracy from my controlling mother to keep an eye on me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and dont recognize myself, I look like me, I swear that its how Ive always looked but my brain won't stop telling me something is off about it and that its a stranger in front of me. Its not even just the people around me but a car who follows me for a little to long or I pass the same person over and over at the grocery store I start freaking out that theyre following me. The worst of it is last year my exhusband began raping me, I was lucky enough to have the strength to leave largely due to my current partner being there as a support system (which only feeds the delusion that he's here under alternative motives because he came into my life when I needed him most) but because of this now im constantly paranoid that my ex will find where I live or work and will come to hurt me again. Its not just the paranoia though its the hallucinations. I hear people talking to me calling for me or saying things. Sometimes its someone I know and its my boyfriend saying things but his mouth never moves or he's not home all together, sometimes I'll hear my mother coughing or calling me to help her with something mean while shes multiple states away. It can be strangers too though. A girl I've never heard before whispering my name, or a door shutting that was never open to begin with. Scratching across the walls, this random clicking noise. I know this is a lot of information and I dont even know why im saying it all. Im not necessarily looking for advice i just feel like I need to put it somewhere, that if it stays in my mind any longer I'll explode. The hallucinations started again a few days ago and theyre not consistent. Few times a day at most but it puts me on edge and I worry if I talk to my partner about it he'll call me crazy. I didn't know what else to do so I guess im here now. Thanks for reading, and sorry for the long rant. I feel a bit better but I still have that lost feeling. I dont know where to go from here.

Coping advice

Relationship Stress / by LowlyLobster

July 20th, 2025

Fighting

Relationship Stress / by LowlyLobster

June 17th, 2025

...See more I've been fighting with my current partner a lot recently. Last night he blew up on me and said I over react to a lot of stuff and that's why he can't talk to me. He says he doesn't know if he's gonna get the joking side of me or if he's going to get me emotional and a fight will start. I don't try to start fights with him. I always feel like I come to him civilly. I have really bad anger issues but I've learned how to manage them through breaks so sometimes I tell him I need a second to calm down, I don't think that should label me as emotional but I also don't want to dismiss his feelings. I tried talking to him last night after calming myself down but he just ignored me and went to sleep without even saying goodnight. The part that worries me the most though is the fact that throughout fights we'll tell each other "I love you" so the other knows we're still there. And that the fight is happening so we can improve and be better. But everytime I said it he ignored me. He still hasn't said it but he woke me up to tell me he was heading to work and kissed me. I don't know if this means anything. I'm worried this means our relationship is ending but I don't want it to. I love him so much. He's been there for me when I had no one else, it breaks my heart to know he doesn't feel like he can come to me. And I almost feel like it'd be better if we weren't together so he could find someone who he can talk with like that..

TW: Spousal S/A

Trauma Support / by LowlyLobster

June 15th, 2025

...See more It was my now ex husband. He coerced me into having sex. I told him no multiple times and he just kept hounding me for it. I gave in, just to get it over with. I had work in the morning, I needed to go to bed, I didn't want to deal with him whining all night about not getting his *** wet. I couldn't sleep all night, couldn't stop crying and when morning came around and he saw me and realized what happened I had to comfort him. Then he got it in his head he never did anything wrong. I consented in the end didn't I? So how was he supposed to know I didn't want to still? We promised to work on it. No sex until we figure our *** out. Get ourselves together and work on this trust that is shattered. Then *** he got tired of waiting. He started to rape me, still saying he did nothing wrong. "We can't get over the sex issue if we're never having sex, this is better for the relationship." I feel so stupid for letting it go on as long as it did. My last straw was waking up with my pants off and him pushing inside me. I wasn't even safe asleep. To this day he claims he did nothing wrong. That he never raped me. That in fact I'm a terrible person who did all of these mean things to him and I was emotionally abusive. I still have nightmares of it and it affects my sex life sometimes. I always just feel so pathetic that he still has a hold on me. It's been months. I should've been able to work through it by now.

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