Back Here Again

I didn't think I'd be back here again. Last time I was here was before I tried to e_d my life. I fought like hel1 to get out of that hole and recover. Now, years later, all of those markers, all of those patterns, all of the invasiv3 thoughts and uncontrollable emotions are flooding back and it feels worse than before somehow. Last time took every ounce of energy I had to fight it and I just don't have that this time around. I'm not sure why or what to do.. I know it's mostly tied to getting off a plethora of medications and my mind needs time to adjust to the re-learning of emotions and thoughts, and whatever it means to experience the full spectrum of my brain, but I don't remember it being this intense before. Or maybe it was and I just had more mental fortitude to navigate it... This just feels like I pushed play in the middle of an intense horr0r movie at high volume and going into that from the muted zombie-like state I was in for years on meds is beyond jarring. I feel like I'm back in a locked burning building and it's getting hot so quickly and I can either b_rn alive or j_mp -- neither option that feels like a choice, neither being what I want, but rather an instinctual reaction that I can't predict. I'm doing my best to stay in the b_rning building and stay low to the ground and hold out as long as I can and hope the fire goes out, but I'm worried it won't, or that by the time it does, the building structure will be too weak and damaged and it crumbles beneath me.

It just feels a lot harder this time. There wasn't a gradual build up that my muscles could adjust for - it all hit almost immediately after withdrawal from meds and I just didn't see it coming. I thought maybe while I was on them, things had lessened, I had grown stronger, and once I got off them I'd simply feel a little more myself and maybe experience a few more shades of color, but nothing too intense and nothing I couldn't handle... I didn't expect this. I had no idea this is what I was signing up for when I went off of them. I just wanted to be less dependent and more natural and be able to think and feel more clearly... I didn't realize I was lighting a match to a fuse. I didn't realize I was made of paper and I'd light so quickly.

Anyway, that's where I'm at currently. I can't be real and honest with anyone about it because people pleasing is so instilled in me from growing up in an abusive home and needing to keep the peace in any way I could and I would rather suffer alone than be a burden to anyone. My psychiatrist didn't want me to go off meds and at the last check-up I couldn't even tell her the truth.. Instead we talked about her wedding and her upcoming plans and things she was anxious about and I tried to be supportive and offer what I could. Because I no matter how much I try, I can't be real about this stuff and I can't expect anyone to see through my defenses and masking or have the patience to try to push through my walls. I'm not sure if my instinct to hide and mask and do it alone is rooted in my childhood tra_ma, or from not being able to tell anyone about the se_ual assault and rap3 when I was a teen, or from growing up in a culture that insisted toxic positivity was the only way to succeed.. or maybe I just have had a pattern of trying to be open with all the wrong people, or maybe it's from the religious background and feeling the need to always be selfless and never burd3n others. Who knows... For whatever reason, I'm this way, and I can't seem to climb out of it.

So, here I am. Back on an anonymous forum, writing to strangers because that's as far as I can get.

I'm not o_k. I'm not doing fine. I'm tired and ov3rwhelmed and I feel h3lpless. I'm holding out hope that this will pass, but I just wanted to come here and be honest and open for once and say that I'm scar3d. I'm scar3d of where this pattern can lead and I don't want to go there again. I'm anxious all the time and I can't seem to find any relief from the constant panic. I'm tired of this fight and having to he strong just to ex_ist in the simplest way. And I'm tired of always building everyone else up and suff0cating inside. I'm tired of the silence of enduring this alone and the loudness of every emotion screaming at top volume and the echos of hopes and dreams that feel so out of reach.

So I'm back here again... Hopefully not long.