But why me

(TW : ABUSE,SA,SUICIDE, EATING DISORDERS AND BODY SHAMING )

I think about my childhood a lot. Probably more than one person should. I don't know if it's because I can't get rid of everything that happened during my childhood. Or it's because I feel safer thinking that the past will save me

I didn't have a great childhood.My mom was physically and mentally abusiveI didn't have a great childhood. My mom was physically and mentally abusive.it would be the point where i wouldn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. Not even at school, not even at home. I would hide out in my room where I felt safe. I never stepped out.

My earliest memory was second grade and my mom choked me out.My older brother stopped her.She still sent me to school.I stayed quiet but I was visibly upset and scared the rest of the day

And I never thought things could get better.I just prayed that one day.I wouldn't wake upI never thought things could get better. I just prayed that one day I wouldn't wake up or that the second I turned 18,I would be away from everyone.

My mental health started to get worse and I never got better , I got worseMy mental health started to get worse. I never got better, I got worse, I fell into a stream of social anxiety, I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know how to communicate with people. I didn't know how to talk. It got so bad to a point where I would have panic attacks every morning before school. But I wouldn't let anyone know I would be freaking out every time I walked to classes i was on edge over every little thing

I lost my brother to suicide at age 16, That changed my entire world even more. There wasn't a time where I wasn't crying or I wasn't scared I didn't know what was next. It only got worse , I move schools and it only got worse.

I met a guy there , I thought I could trust him and finally be with someone who understood me at least I thought I didI met a guy there, I thought I could trust him and finally be with someone who understood me. At least I thought I did everything was great. Until he had decided that we needed to be serious I was scared I said no and begged him not to but he did it anyways.

We broke up a month later.I kept quiet about everything I never told my parents.I never told any of my friends We broke up a month later. I kept quiet about everything I never told my parents. I never told any of my friends. I was scared if I told anyone , no one would believe me and no one did once I did say it.

That caused me to spiral out even more after I graduated high school.I isolated my self for 2 years.I don't know if it was because i was trying to convince myself I was an introvert. Or if it was because it felt safer being misunderstood than letting someone get close to me again, that hurt me even more.I didn't socialize or make friends after that.i couldn't i would get those same panic attacks just simply going to target or getting snacks from a store or getting gas

I stayed really quiet about everything in my life.Because no one really paid attention anyways , and no one believed meI stayed really quiet about everything in my life. Because no one really paid attention anyways, and no 1 believed me.\n It also felt safer to have everyone have this interpretation of me than let them know. The real things I was going through, because the last time I let somebody and not only did they betray my trust but No one believe me

When I did finally move out, I thought it was at peace.I thought I'd finally have a fresh start. But I didn't instead, I felt even more alone in anxious.I couldn't ask anyone for help that felt like too much.I felt like I was a burden instead, I felt even more alone anxious, I couldn't ask anyone for help. That felt like too much. I felt like I was a burden everywhere I went. I didn't feel like I wasnt worth anything or anywhere I went , i never saw a point and trying to socialize or communicate anymore than that. I thought I finally would have a break when I met a guy again, but turns out he was just as equally closed off and Didn't know how to handle my anxiety or anything. He would talk badly about me to my own family because of my mental health no one believe me when I said that he was a bad person, but they all loved him, and they tried to get me to stay with him to fix things.They would even try and compromise it by saying that he cares about me more than anyone else has or ever will.

Everyone told me that. Sometimes you have to except not everybody is wired that way which I always knew but it felt wrong. I just be miserable again and not ever seen or heard.

I never understood why my family would always take everyone side around me that.I openly said made me uncomfortable or hurt me.But then again , nobody really noticed when I wasn't eating or I would overeat when I would go periods on end without eating actual food and just snacking , then when I would eat i would be sick for

No one really ever Noticed the bad and when they did instead, it was always how I was a problem. I always hated how people would side with the people in my life that weren't good for me was always about what other people wanted instead of what I wanted. I guess I accepted that if others can't be happy for me. I have to move away and make that happiness on my own. I still have plans on leaving and not talking to any more people in my family.

I Always knew that I wasn't prettier. Anyone standard type or the most appealing to look at i never believed compliments.I never believed when people were being genuine and to the stair still struggle with that.I don't know if someone means what they say

I don't think I ever willI don't think I ever will if I'm going to be remembered by anything. I can only hope that I'm remembered that even in my hardest of times and most silent issues, I Still did my best to keep everybody happy. And make sure everyone never felt the way I felt

I think about my best friend's words A lot i remember I told her that sometimes I wish that I look different, or at least could feel pretty for once i never could feel like as if I was attractive pretty from prom to graduation anything I wore, it just felt uncomfortable in cause it felt like I was putting makeup on a pig and dressing like a barbie when im not even as pretty as a doll.

I remember she looked at me in immediately said that if I was all of that , then what was she I immediately stopped and looked at her and said , you're beautiful , what do you mean you are everything beautiful in this world she told me that I should stop being so hard on myself. I kind of stopped and told her I hope she never ever feels like that when she told me she did I hugged her and cried for a solid ten minutes

I don't ever want to feel like that again.Everyday is a step for me I don't ever want to feel like that again. Everyday is a step for me To be better than what I was. When I was a teen/young adult, even now, as a now, 20 four-year-old, I still don't feel like I'm great, but that's okay. Because every day is a step to be better but why me why do I have to live like this.