CPTSD
After years of enduring both internally and externally induced trauma as a child, the flashbacks, dissociation, mental blocks, lack of concentration, self-condemnation, and a sense of worthlessness now attack me whenever a trigger brings back the memories.
I engaged in trauma reenactment (the sexual abuse by my father and the environment that enabled it made me a child who also did it to a little girl when I was eight). Now, it kills me to the core as I ask myself why I did it.
Nonetheless, through this platform, my sorrow and unspoken pleas have been unraveled, and it has given me hope that I am not the only one going through this.
I want to heal and overcome all of those memories. I have surrendered it all to the Lord and repented for all of the sins I committed as a child.
Flashbacks upon flashbacks, self-shrinking, and self-mistrust.
But I know God knows my heart. I want to heal.
@willingPal4403 I hear you. And i know how hard it is. I am happy you can talk openly and freely about that.
@willingPal4403 If you want to chat i am here
@MendedHeart073
You are surely not alone. I understand your pain, and your struggles. When I was a child I suffered sexual abuse from my aunt for a period of time. That was many years ago, but its rippling effects are still present today.
If you have done therapy that is great! I did about two years worth a few years ago and it really helped me to find forgiveness. There of course is still a little more healing to be done, but for the most part I have come a long way.
I'll tell you something I learned, that I didn't expect to. My therapist asked me if I was angry at God. I said NO, I know it wasn't Him who did this to me. She then told me, " I've never seen a client yet who hasn't at some point in the healing". I thought I was different. But I was not, and about two years ago I finally admitted that I was angry with Him. Not because He had anything to do with the abuse, but because I felt abandoned in receiving the Graces to overcome my triggers and coping responses.
I wouldn't be where I am today though if it wasn't for His help! Even when I am struggling.
My apologies to you Mended Heart if spoke too much about me. My prayers 🙏 and hope for your healing!
Thank you so much for this! This resonated so much with me.
