Complex Trauma
I’ve suffered from Complex PTSD for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed shortly after turning 17.
I’ve always felt different compared to everyone around me— whether that be emotionally, developmentally, or otherwise. I perceive things differently, deal with stress differently, and handle relationships differently. I barely even graduated highschool— not because I was doing poorly, but because I simply had no motivation.
I’ve been told countless times by my mom that I’m “impossible to love.” That sheer thought consumes my brain 24/7. Am I impossible to love? Am I too traumatized, that people don’t want to be close to me?
After several life events which altered my perception completely, I feel that maybe she IS right. I was never loved as a child— I was only neglected. I never knew what love meant or what it felt like, until this year really. It makes me scared because I’m in a happy relationship and I can’t bear the thought of him leaving over my mental health— something my mom is anticipating to happen.
So please.. if anyone else has struggled with this… am I going to be okay? Am I capable of living a proper life, full of love? I’ve had everything I did love stripped away from me— whether that be losing my biological parents or being abused and assaulted or having a debilitating injury that prevents me from doing anything I love ever again.
Am I capable? I am so lost.. so so lost. I just need someone who understands to tell me that it’s going to be okay.
@goldenHuman8916 thank you for sharing your story, golden; it's very inspiring to hear from someone who has faced so much trauma, made it through and is now in a place where they're not only in a happy relationship, but are able to rationally take stock of everything they've been through. It may feel like what you've been told by your mom is true and inevitable - I've talked elsewhere about the inner critic and how it forms. We internalise second hand beliefs and take them for reality, not assessing their 'truth' against the cold, hard facts. You've found out what is to be in a happy, loving relationship; ergo, you can be ioveable. Yet the whirring thoughts still hijack your brain: that is the trauma speaking, not reality. Nicole Lepera on YouTube has more on CPTSD; there is also a Transforming Trauma growth path on here which I've linked below, and which takes a deep dive into the traumatised brain and strengthening the medial PFC, to reduce those automatic trigger responses. It sounds that, rather than being lost, you're now finding your way out of a desolate, foggy wasteland of neglect to sunnier uplands of inclusion and belonging, golden; please know that this community will be here to keep supporting you on the way.
https://www.7cups.com/path/playlist/transforming-trauma/
This made me cry wow. Thank you so very much.
@goldenHuman8916 you're very welcome golden, the appreciation is actually all mine as yours is a powerful story and I'm glad you were able to share it here. There are a few other self help guides here that may be relevant; of these, I've linked to the one on Hope below:
https://www.7cups.com/hope-training/
@goldenHuman8916 hi sweetie 💖 I was diagnosed with cpstd when I was 18 so yeah I know what it's like🙁 you are definitely capable of love and living a great life 💖 you are much braver than me, dating is a great step forward 💖 so well done you 💗 life isn't always fair, but you can become the person you needed growing up 💖 gives you a giant tiny hug 💗 I'm right here for you 💗
Hello
I don't think that anyone is difficult to love, I think that we all are surrounded by hurt people that feel in control by spreading pain so they hurt. My grandmother used to tell me that all the time and I loved her, but once i saw who she really was i couldn't unsee how she enjoyed watching me as lonely and sad as she was, it was her way to say I was right I told you so...
So, don't believe anyone saying something hurtful.