Emotionally hungover

That's the only way I can describe waking up aftr my 4evr 16 yr old sons 19th bday.....I only cried 1x yesterday when I rode the greyhound 2 my hometown 2 meet my sister & go 2 the cemetery that's where I lost while never out of my mind Gavins suicide didn't encompass my mind instead I chose 2 honor his life & all the great memories we shared.... Then I woke up 2day & all the feelsies I thought I'd have yesterday came floodn in & I cried & cried & cried it was like a purgn of all the guilt shame longing ???s & everything I've felt over the last 2 yrs....I've nvr felt more lost & alone in my xistenz I lost my best friend & pops within 4 months of each other about a yr aftr I lost my son.....last thing pops said besides I love u the last time we spoke was "never 4get u had the honor & privilege 2 b Gavins dad 4 16 yrs" safe travels