Everything's way too hard

trigger warning narcissism

   These days, I felt stressed because school start is close, and I haven't started preparing furniture. And since everything's in my mother's house, I asked my father to bring us there sonner then they planned. How did I think it was gonna be just okay? He just started insulting me, and getting all fired up for more then an hour, and speaking to him in the car is the worst. He was so scary, and I barely remember what happened. I was all in freeze mode, and I answered to him, repeating what he said, as if I believed it, like a mockery. But I was really, really, frightened. My legs were shaking, but I didn't feel anything. I felt nothing. It was like he's tantrum was boiling up until now. And I knew. Everybody knew. I'm just the only one who admits it. I have this really scary thought that maybe his tantrums are taking each time years of my life. And while I was here pretending in the outside, I was actually doing okay. Like, I finally had inspiration for my book. But then, the entire day I just felt self doubt, and when my sister who he manipulated to become like him, she told me she was stressed out about school. That we had to stop going for so many things. I resent him so much. I know narcissists are this way, but I wonder if he's not some sociopath actually with his cold stares. It feels like he could do anything without caring. How am I supposed to keep being strong? Even tho it is my only option? I have enough of evrything, that's the truth. I wish I just had a normal life as a normal child who could just buy school furtiniture without being gaslighted so much you forgot how the "argument" (just him talking) even started. How can I find myself, heal, and do normal teen-stuff when I have this pain in the back? (And not just metaphorically). The way he acts like nothing happened... My sister crying, and then having a little smirk and hiding it when I see... Was there anything ever real about her? I'm beiginning to wonder if SHE didn't act stressed out to set up me for trouble. But no, because she never would've wanted him to rage at  her like he did at us both. Even the people just randomly walking and the cats minding their business got a taste of his anger. Hate how he uses them (the cats) to pretend he's a caring person who loves animals when he keeps at scaring them. 

   Everything's way too hard, and Google doesn't have an answer to that. I really wish I could escape, but I'm trapped here.