Grief

Just trying to learn to express my emotions more...i did join the sharing circle but i fear i kind of panicked and cut everything i was trying to express short. Long post ahead....

but sometimes, or at least now im thinking alot about the last 6 years ive spent in complete despair and solitude, endlessly searching for answers. I come from a very very intense religious family where if something is wrong in your life, God is punishing you and you need to pray x amount of hours, fast for x amount of days so that he'll forgive you. Sometimes I'd look at other church members lives and wondered how come their life seemed better despite the fact that I was doing everything "right"? I was so envious and it made me wonder if something was wrong with me or if God just doesnt love me at all. Tbh im starting to question whether or not he exists but thats a topic for another day. Ive never really expressed this pain to others because all I have around me are church members. I never grew outside of the church and as such, I've never really had a life. These last 6 years I have spent completely hating myself and my existence and trying to end it. Every decision i made was either out of fear of punishment or because "god said so". Id stay in harmful situations caused by other church members because any time i would complain, it would be my fault. Im doing so much better right now as ive left the church and really sought out to connect with my inner self but sometimes I look back and ask why? I wish none of it ever happened.

Im also resentful to God and the church for taking my family away from me. Sometimes I imagine us actually being able to sit down together and truly express how we feel without always intellectualizing and philosophying it. Sometimes I imagine us being able to take a Sunday off and just...watch something funny and laugh.

I spent the last 6 years more focused on being a good Christian rather than truly being ok and following my own path. Ive started doing that now and im alot happier, but I grieve the things ive lost during that time period. The friends I couldve made, the family i could've had, my education journey that coukdve been alot smoother, the proper help i couldve received earlier, etc.

Im just really sad about what happened and the loneliness that came out of it.

Thanks for reading🙂