How do I get rid of constantly reliving my past?
Hi I'm new here. Up until I came to this platform and started a therapy, I didn't understand that what I have is probably trauma. I knew there was something wrong but I didn't know how to call it.
Apart from a lot of other things, I was sexually harassed at 10 by a schoolmate during the classes. He touched me under the table and forced me to touch him on intimate parts. He didn't listen to me when I told him to stop and I was afraid to do or say anything because I would disturb the class and everybody will laugh at me. It was the worst experience of my life.
Later on, when finishing high school, I got my first boyfriend and another thing happened to me with him. On a third or fourth date he took me to his room at the college dormitory. We kissed and suddenly he took off my shirt and played with my breasts. I guess it's normal for couples but it was definitely not ok for me after what I went through but at that moment I didn't know why I wasn't okay with it. I was just so scared and uncomfortable, it went out of my control, too soon, too fast. And I had a block or something, I couldn't tell him to stop. Back then I didn't understand that I had a block either, now I do.
I'm almost 20 years older, I have a husband and two kids, one could say a happy life. But I still relive the moments from my past over and over again when having intimate moments with my husband. It got to the point I don't want him to touch my breasts anymore. And when he wants me to touch him down there, which is a normal thing in marriage, it's like I am in that class again, it's like daydreaming. It's so vivid I freeze and get overwhelmed with fear, I think it's called an anxiety attack. How do I get rid of it? Will it ever go away?
I sometimes also cry after sex even though I enjoyed it, I don't even know why. Is it because of the trauma? Or because I feel useless because I'm unable to give my husband more? Is it both?
Past few months I deal with depressions and grief so the cries get much more frequent, I'm really sensitive. My husband knows about my past and he tries to be gentle and patient with me but I feel like my blocks and anxiety attacks get worse with time. I try to enjoy the intimate moments with my husband but it's getting so much harder and longer to get to a point when I can just relax.
Is there anybody having similar problems? How do you cope?
Hi, I've been sexually assaulted and had a experienced rape and reading this made me cry. I know how much it is hard to think that somehow you moved on from it then suddenly it just goes back again and again, and how much it's so heavy to bear any of it. You're very lucky to have such an understanding and loving husband that is there for you to make you feel better and accept you for who you are and believe you. I've had a hard time accepting and moving on from it because it's just too much, and thinks that sometimes it was my fault but i knew none of them were mine's. I'm no therapist but from someone who dealt with a lot of flashbacks and can be easily triggered too, I think it was a trauma because it's keeping you to do normal things that couple or a person usually do. It's affecting your life and i think we're not really over it but let me tell you that it's absolutely not your fault in anyways okay? I believe and understand you as a fellow survivor too. I recommend getting a therapist for that since they can help you process what happened to you and help you how to get over it. I wish i can too but I'm still a student, someday though. Keep on fighting!
@pureegal oh I'm so sorry for what you've been through, it must have been horrible. And omg you're still in school, such a young age to live through such a thing. Sending hugs if okay ❤️
And yeah, the self blame is the worst. You know what, the boy actually asked me if I want to do it with him. He whispered "Do you want to do 'aaa' with me" to my ear, I will remember it forever. I didn't know what he meant, I was so naive I thought he meant some card game and he got on my nerves with it so I said 'yes' like stupid. And then there was no way back.
But I'm telling myself yes, it's not my fault. He just didn't listen when I was telling him to stop and he should have. Just like it isn't your fault. Though sometimes I'm not sure I believe it when I'm saying it to myself.
I hope you'll be able to get a therapy soon. I'm doing it for almost 2 months, it really helps. I wouldn't be able to open up here without it. But I think I needed to talk about it with other people with similar experiences, too, that's why I created this thread.
If you want someone to write to, you can use my PM any time. I'm no therapist and I'm not best at listening but I can be here for you when I can, if you need me.
Oh you're so sweet and loving, i'm glad that those bad things that happened to us didn't stop us to treat people with kindness. You're so strong and thank you for your offer too. I'll surely message you if i need someone to talk to.
Actually I'll share one of my experiences too here, one of the things I can't really forget too even if it was over a decade ago. I've had similar experience with you, I was young around 6 maybe? It is sad that whenever i had to think of my childhood the first thing that'll pop up in my mind was that event. I was groomed by a neighbor guy who lives next to us. I really loved the collection they have in their house which were pokemons, I wanted to take home one of their collections. The guy was around 17 years old or older he said he'll let me have his toy if I do something for him (it was to give him oral sex.) Me having no idea at all, he just taught me how to do it and said "just lick it like lollipop" omg i can't get over it i want to throw up every time i remember that, i never remembered what happened next i think someone almost caught him so he made me go home, but i got the toy so i was really not bothered by it and i had no idea, I also realized that i was groomed back the when i was like 11 or 13 and i just can't get over it, thankfully right now i'm not really bothered by it anymore, I have a healthy sexual relationship with my boyfriend and I don't get triggered anymore when we have oral sex but still i don't think i'm healed enough because I still have a lot of baggage.
This is my part being vulnerable, I hate being vulnerable btw but i can freely do it around you plus this acc is anonymous anyways, thank you so much and you're a strong person fighting off this trauma you never created, You're brave and I believe you that you'll heal from everything that hurt you.
@pureegal thank you for sharing your experience, it was really brave. I needed to process all of it and I'm still not sure how to respond to support you. First of all, I'm so sorry it must have happened to you.
I feel like, if it happened to me at 6, maybe it would have been less horrible than at 10 because I wouldn't understand what was happening and would think it was normal. But it's so much worse in the guy being 17+. My experience was horrible for me and full of fear and anxiety but at least the boy wasn't really that evil, I guess. He was selfish and doing things against my will, that wasn't right, but he didn't understand it fully either I think, he was living some kind of fantasy thinking I was his girlfriend or smth. But in your case he must have known exactly what he was doing, it was deliberate and sick.
I have a daughter at a similar age of 5 and a half, I can't imagine this happening to her, I would probably kill the guy! Kids are so naive in that age and believe anything you say to them. I understand you and why you can't get over it.
It's so good you have a healthy relationship and don't get triggered anymore, I wish it for anyone who experienced any sexual trauma in life.
Thank you for everything you wrote. Oh I'm not as strong as I seem 😅 But I think you are strong and brave. May you heal from your trauma too ❤️
@mish3l "The Body Keeps the Score" by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.
Thank you, I will have a look at the book ❤️
