How to make historical memories distant?

I’ve recently come to understanding what happened in my past was SA. I was being SA for the entire year of being 22 then later again SA at 24. I had such a narrow understanding of assault I think most of us have. Like if you weren’t unconscious, screaming no, fight ect then it’s not SA. I didn’t know fawning, freezing automatic responses that are not conscious decisions. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself, not getting trapped in a moment where I’m staring into space and I have to learn to accept I will never have justice (I did try to have 1 held accountable but the case was dropped). My past is shameful and embarrassing. I wanted to pretend that part of my life didn’t happened but it did and now I have to deal with it and I’m grieving what I thought I had and who I thought some people were.