How to survive

Few years ago I did something under an influence of some drug and also alcohol. I said in public things I would never say and someone decided it was a good time to film and post it online. I was then in a very serious mental trouble, I had just cancelled my own wedding as my fiancé cheated on me 3 months before the big day, I was sexually abused when I was almost 5 yo, which I hidden as I was living in an abusing and traumatic situation at home and was too scared to speak to those who should offer safety and protection. It is too late for prosecution, it is now nearly 30 years later. I then had a relationship with my first ever love, I moved to another country, learned the language I never spoke, and he became abusive so we had the neighbours calling the police, that’s how we broke up. Some time later I fell in love again, I allowed myself to do so, it was intense and I was lost in it. But after having to inform everyone the wedding won’t happen, going through the horrible explanation over and over again, losing money over deposits and having an awful car crush on my way to the airport to meet with my family… I had lost respect to myself. I lost the happy girl inside; I got into the wrong circle, started going drugs, partying a lot, drinking plenty. At the moment of filming me and posting it online I wasn’t even myself anymore. I then went onto therapy, slowing down my habits, I met someone we fell pregnant. I moved away from my old life. I stopped doing everything I was doing. But the online content had gone viral. And everyday I am facing people laughing in my face or making horrible comments behind my back. I don’t even smoke cigarettes anymore. I took my role as a parent very seriously and I love my child more than life. I could not in million years dream of a happier time in life than becoming a parent yet the outside world is punishing me every day for the moment of weakness without even considering that I might have just been hurting too. Some days I feel like I’d rather stay at home where it feels safer. But I get either cars horning outside to *** me off, or drunk people at night shouting that I am disgusting and should move. I am afraid it will start to become a problem for my child at one point or another. That some kids like their parents would be nasty to us. I hope it won’t be the case I really pray for it not to happen.