I can't sleep

          I understand more than ever why I always needed to read before I sleep. I never tried to go without, even on before important exams days. I know my friends can't relate, they find it weird, they would rather spend their night studying or getting a good night rest. I don't. And even if I study, I need to read after. It is what it is. I just don't feel safe before sleep and I need to escape. But these days my sleep anxiety became insomnia, which translates into sleeping super late, or before sleep paralysis, or sleepless nights, the worst of all. And I have this feeling that my fear is sabotaged on purpose. I live in a highly traumatizing house, and while I feel like I'm getting better, ironically, the tension in the house feels worse.

     I've grown in every area, but sleep is impossible. I often manage to get something out of my days, but when night comes, it's like suddenly the truth of my distress comes to light, how ironic again. I have this thought that my parents, who are narcissists, gave me their insomnia. Father wakes up in the middle of the night often, and mother sleeps super late. Well, I'm in the middle now, and it's terrible. I feel all the tension suddenly in the silence, and then mother calls someone, and her phone calls are very triggering, so in the emptiness of the night they're even more toxic. I feel scared of being "found out" , like going to the toilets or just moving is illegal. And I have this rule that when I'm afraid of making noise, I just make more noise so I normalize it and just prove to the rest that I'm not afraid to be discovered so the tension is gone. Of course, it doesn't work much. I know it's not my imagination. It's like I can hear  mother thinking about me. It's hella scary. Her being a night owl makes me having sleep issues worse. It's like she knows I got tough in daylight and she wants to punish me not reacting to her by not allowing me to sleep and making me accumulate fatigue. (which I am doing). I really hope I've overestimated her, but perhaps even if she can't think that far, maybe it's not even conscious.

   Anyway, can anyone relate to that feeling unsafe at night in an actual unsafe environment, and techniques to allow me to sleep anyway? Thanks for readingg, hoping y'all have spent good nights recently.