I don’t know how to heal all my traumas
It’s the first time that I’m finally sharing my story. I always was feeling myself as a stubborn person who can survive everything. And it was like that, but unfortunately with time everything is starting to reaching me.
I was growing in poor family, some days we didn’t have money for bread.My parents was working hard to give me and my siblings what they can. I think because of that my dad was feeling really bad and he started drinking. He was really violent when he was drunk, so usually my home wasn’t safe place so in evening when he was come back home usually I was go out because I was scared. When I was 5 or 6 he hit my mom with chair on her head. I was so scared that I’m gonna lose her so after that I start trying to protect her when he was beating her. With time things get better they start to earn more money and he drinks less.
When I was 18 I was starting my second year in university. It was so good, finally - adult life. But I wasn’t feeling good so go check my health. And diagnosed with cancer. All year I was feeling like I sleeping like everything is not true. But it was. Hospitals start to be my second home, because I was spending there more time. But like I was said I’m stubborn so I beat cancer.
Later I’m my twenty’s when I started working in one of the evenings me and my colleagues decided to go out. In club someone spiked me and rapped me. I never tell anyone. I was so ashamed and feel dirty.
Couple years after I get in car accident. Almost died, but somehow survived. Now I have a scars as reminder of that horrible night.
And then in my country started war. It was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I never forget those horrible sounds of bombs. It’s like thunder with earthquake hit together.
I moved to another country but I feel I don’t belong here. I can’t hear fireworks or any other loud noise it’s freaking me out.
I feel I’m lost and I can’t find myself. I’m just not that stubborn person anymore. I’m just shadow of myself. I just want to let everything go and be myself again.
@Yuliya2817
It was very sad to hear your story. Childhood with a drinking, aggressive parent (and the other parent possibly co-dependent), life-threatening illness, abuse trauma, scars from an accident, war, loneliness in a foreign country... I am afraid each of your negative experiences would be enough to break most of the people's souls. For two days I've been asking myself what I could tell you...
You said you used to be stubborn. Do you think it's possible to name this with a different word? Like: perseverance, strength, will to survive?
I am an ACoA (ACoA = Adult Children of Alcoholics) myself. I witnessed my father going home drunk, my mother going crazy for hours before that, one of my parents hitting the other in the face, and saw some other terrible things I shouldn't have seen as a child.
I believe there are lots of therapies (either in groups or invidual) or meetings for ACoAs. They won't make your bad memories "vanish", but they can make you a happier person, being more aware of your spirituality and values (and it's not just about any religion), leading a more fulfilling life.
There might be not many therapists specialized in abuse trauma, but still they are. And some of them happen to be very emphatic, great professionals.
I believe sometimes we have some influence on what can happen to us, and sometimes we don't. I am sure there were many "what IFs" (like: "What if I took a different route?") in your head when your car crashed. I guess you had not much influence on this accident to happen. But I believe you had some power behind your decision to leave your war torn motherland. And just imagine what could have happened if you stayed there...
First of all, I think it might be very important to believe that God is not "stubborn" to hurt us through our entire lives. Some people believe in karmic cycles. Some may believe in the ancient saying "Life is like a battlefield. The bravest ones get the most difficult tasks". Or maybe... you have experienced a lot, but you still have a lot of strength in your soul to face it.
One thing is sure: If you would ever consider helping other people, your painful experience can be not only your burden you carry on through your life, but also your asset - your help in understanding people who have similar stories...
I am writing these words probably from a country neighbouring to yours... It's peace and quiet now. But wasn't it the same back in the summer of 1939, when people would not believe another war could ever break out, going to restaurants with dances, traveling to the Baltic seaside? So, who knows...
I wish you someone who hugs you and makes you feel safe during the next fireworks show... And I hope they are _just_fireworks_...
You are strong. Your life is proof of how strong you are.
