I feel so hopeless

I saw my ex down yesterday and eye contact, and that really hit me like a wave. Hope that had long gone came back, it was like he was part of my life again, (we've been no contact for 8 months) but this time not in an anxious way, just in a hopeful way and I felt so so sad. And I'm so done with this chronic pain cycle. I mean I know I'm much better than I was when we broke up a year ago (yeah, a year ago) but it still suddenly feels like a mess and a corner of my life and he prolly never even needed to get over me, he was toxic and I was the one who was suffering. I feel so done. At first, I was able to cope better, when the pain was intense but fresh. Now, my system is worn out and more sensitive to this pain and idk how to even build an empowering narrative around this. Till now I kept trying to heal it, coz obviously it needed healing, and extract as many lessons as possible but know I'm so done. And like I was saying even tho I'm much better at accepting my feelings and being with them, such hurtful of pain causes me to binge watch and numb my pain tho i accept it b4 and after, which makes my eye exercise class feel pointless. And I feel so pathetic know that's he's way moved on and I've not even tho I quite had stopped comparing. Its gut wrenchingly heartbreaking, like ive been left behind in pain snd love, another feeling i feel like i dont need to explain.And since things always kept ending abruptly I've had no proper closure. And the loop of us either fighting or being friends keeps replaying in my dreams and I'm so done. I even begged the universe for any closure, even in my brain permanently. And I'm sure everyone knows just how *** it feels to be stuck on the same pain for such a long time. It sucks. And memories are surfacing fresh and making me feel so so bad and so so sad. And yeah ik law of attraction blah blah blah, don't beg the universe for anything and *** but I just rlly don't hv the energy to do any of that, anything but just beg. I honestly came here bcoz tho I hv decent friends and family, either I can't confide in them, or I just feel lost and can't open up rn. I've lost all energy. I feel do stuck, and I know this pain will end, it's all known, it'll end, "eventually", but when will that "eventually" even come?, every time I feel like I've entered a deep healing phase, it turns our I'm STILL not "fully" healed apparently, . And seeing my exs face makes me romanticize him all over again, tho I'd just started seeing with clarity..? Looking so innocent and cute, was so hard to see him with thar sort of personality and it was jarring to see him in the flesh as my brain had pretty much just begun to box him in the past. Please done words of wisdom or comfort or understanding..