I just got an unwanted abortion and my boyfriend ghosted me after

F(23). I just got an abortion recently my boyfriend wanted to get the abortion but i didn't, my boyfriend and I are not financially stable and we are both students, he seemed like he really didn't want the baby and I understood why, he was young and he wanted to graduate. me on the other hand, I wanted the baby even though im still in college. He didnt want me to tell anyone about the baby and the whole time I kept opening up about not wanting to get an abortion, that i loved the baby and that we should give it a second thought. He had a point when he said we couldnt afford to raise a baby and that we will have to drop out of college for the baby, and even if we did it was still not enough. I understood and for a long while its what I held on to, I also didnt want my baby to be fatherless cause im sure if i kept the baby, my boyfriend will be forced into a life he isnt ready for and eventually will hate me and the baby... So i got the abortion.

Seeing my baby dead and small broke me and I am under so much physical and emotional pain, I cry for my baby every day, I regret it so much I think I cant live without my baby.. I have been grieving for my baby and holding onto my boyfriend for three days till we got into a big fight.

We got into a fight cause I caught a really bad fever and my body was aching non stop until now, and he didnt have any plans on coming over my house to check on me, he was busy at his mom's house helping out and i understand, but when night came I expected him to come over after running errands for his mom and getting a haircut, but he didnt.. during the fight I brought up the fact that after my baby came out from my body dead, we kept him under my bed (preserved till buried), right after that he asked for a *** and initiated sex. I got so mad and lashed out on him cause i was still grieving and i couldnt believe he asked for a ***. I admit my words were harsh I cursed him out and shamed him for his behavior.

After the big fight he didnt contact me, and didnt show up. its been 4 days since i last saw him... I need advice, I know everything here is telling me he doesnt love me, but I dont want to face it. I am so heartbroken and crushed, i miss my baby. I got an ultrasound today to check if there are risks of sepsis. he said he would show up but he didnt. so i went alone, I cried in the clinic, i miss him and my baby. 

my boyfriend didnt really treat me the best at all times but he is kind and good to me too most of the time, he tries his best... one time he gave me a light bruise but I forgave him, he left me sick after the abortion but im ready to forgive him.. i know it seems like i dont love myself but, i cant do this by myself. I really need him. I love him