In Need of Support: Battling Triggers
I suffer from PTSD as a result of childhood trauma, and trauma a relationship. My former fiance is an addict and a narcissist. We had a very intense and sadly toxic relationship. It basically ended 2 years ago when he overdosed on my birthday. He survived and is in prison, something that probably saved his life, and maybe my own. I haven't seen him since my birthday 2 years ago. Ever since that day, I have been constantly stuck on trigger mode with feelings being alone. I don't know if he was alive or dead when a friend called and said thatbKevin had overdosed in court and was taken away by paramedics and law enforcement. I spent that entire night alone, wondering if he was gone forever. It was the worst feeling I ever experienced. Even my abuse as a child, but that's probably because I don't remember much. I lost all my hair due to the constant stress and anxiety. I can't be alone but maybe a few days before I start getting depressed. I have trouble working and taking care of my house. The holidays it seems is making it worse. I'm tired of being like this.
@EyesofGlass2XS
You really went through alot.
Stress and anxiety can do damage to your body and nervous system.
That's alot to carry.
You didn't deserve to be mistreated or disrespected in anyway.
That's not love, it's control.
It can seem so daunting, but you can slowly start to rebuild.
Small, daily manageable tasks to boost your confidence and allow you to feel more like yourself.
And to heal and to see your worth and he doesn't get to dictate it.
You deserved better and I hope in time you see that 💚
Thank you for saying that. I felt like I was in constant survival mode Christmas Eve and Day, overloaded with anxiety. I got very little sleep last night and my anxiety is very high today. I'm going to look for a new therapist next week or over the weekend.
Sweet struggling, soul. I don't know how much help I will be, but I too was abused as a child. The diagnosis now is CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder). It is more complex and difficult to deal with than PTSD, because as victims of child abuse, we had no training, no education on how to survive when the person we were supposed to be able to trust, abused us.
For me, I had a threadbare blanket that smelled like body order that I held on to as a lifeline and I sucked my thumb to self sooth.
You may have had something similar.
Fast forward to now. Former Fiance. Addict, Narcissist.
I am saying this out of experience of my own, a Narcissist can never love you. They can love bomb you which can seem like love, but they always want something back in return.
Perhaps since it sounds like you an extrovert (needs other people to recharge), maybe you could find a local group of friends to reengage you will life.
Sending you positive energy for strength and healing! 🌹 you got this! ❤️
I too was an abused child, and then abused by my first husband. What you are struggling with is CPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Shock Disorder. It happens when there are extended periods of trauma.
As children, we are not equipped to emotionally deal with an abusive parent. We either fight, flight, freeze or fawn. I always froze and disassociated. Or I would fawn, and make myself useful to my abuser. Much of my childhood is just a black hole.
I cannot advise you on your fear of being alone. I am an Introvert and actually crave being alone. My husband on the other hand, is an Extrovert and needs to be around people. Perhaps a local Meetup Group would be helpful for you. I am not religious, but perhaps a church congregation could help ease the fear of being alone.
Try to put your ex-fiance in your rear view mirror, he was toxic. Put imaginary blinders on and face forward.
Sending you positive energy for strength and healing. 🌹 Much love and a squishy mom hug. ❤️