Intoxicated SA

My first post, I belong here because I was very intoxicated when it happened to me, someone that I had had a thing with in the past, a family friend.  He poured me a lot of drinks,  I have zero memory of what happened, I wasn’t even sure it had actually happened to me, until I had these two distinct flashbacks, I couldn’t even remember what room of the house it happened in.   I don’t think he even knew I was so drunk that I couldn’t consent.    I was so confused, shocked, scared.  I had to go home and tell my life partner of 7 yrs, I said “I had s with someone” I didn’t know what to say, how to say it, I explained how drunk I was and that I didn’t remember what happened, that I didn’t have any thoughts of having s with anyone other than him ever.  He lost his mind completely, said we are done, we are though,  it just exploded from there he started drinking for days on end, drilling me with questions, yelling trashing the house, I just tried to answer all of his questions, I didn’t know what to do, how to be, so confused.  I was trying to process what happened to me and also deal with the aftermath of my partner feeling completely crushed feeling like I did this, that I should have called him when the guy showed up (cuz of our previous relationship) I should have stopped drinking.   This went on for a couple months,  I had a bag packed in my car in case I needed to leave.   I never thought he would physically hurt me but he got scary.  I was searching the internet, how to help your partner heal after an affair, how to repair your marriage, watched YouTube about the “betrayer” nothing felt like it matched what I was going through, how I was feeling, nothing resonated,   I didn’t feel like a “cheater”.  After getting myself into counseling and processing what happened it was more clear to me that what happened was an assault, that I couldn’t have consented I have told my story to 3 professionals and they all have said this was an assault,  that I wasn’t finding what I needed from the internet because I was searching the wrong keywords.  They told me to search SA , and I would find what I needed.  My partner and I have gone to couples counseling, he was told by two professionals in person that it was an assault.  We are 9 months post trauma, I still feel alone, He is still angry, He still blames me for drinking.   He has said things like “I hope you learned your lesson”   I do call him out when he says things like this. It’s so hurtful.  I know in a court of law I would prob lose this case but I shouldn’t have to keep defending myself to the person that says he loves me.   Just feeling alone and lost. I can I get back my Joy, love and peace if my partner feels like it’s my fault for drinking. How do I heal when he keeps brining me down.