Is something wrong with me?
I was in a slight argument with my mom and my sister was sitting with us. Thad a rough day and had to keep up my demeanour in front of my very rigid and strict dad that even my mom is scared to make mad. I had an exhausting day and I mom didn't want to accept something that she did wrong, my sis knew that too. I became very angry but upon being talked down again and again, I lost control and I slapped myself repeatedly for a minute in front of her. She felt really bad by that. She is a very sensitive lady. I then calmed her down and my sister down and then told them I had a rough day and tbh I had a rough couple of weeks and I had to get the anger out someday. I said that it was my mistake that I became adamant and she should not worry about it. I pampered and convinced her that everything is fine and it was just a switch that went on and nothing else. I apologised and sent her to bed and my sister was chill as well. But now I am sitting here all by myself, feeling sad, guilty, confused, angry, and not understanding what happened to me…
I am 18 and an international student on scholarship and I came back home for holidays. My house dynamic has always been tensed and financially tight as well. My dad has never been satisfied with what I do, no matter what I do, and my mum has always motivated me and my sis to move out, make money and get out of the home for good, and later take care of her if can.
this was for the context but right now I am wondering whether I am doing something wrong, in some way that’s not correct, is there something that I can repair or amend to make things better, what if I am the root cause of my family’s problems, why did I make my mum cry today, how to I get out of this though process… this is what I worry about.
So Sorry for such a long rant I didn’t realise I made it too long, Apologies!
@lightRaspberries567
I wouldn't say you didn't anything "wrong" exactly, but I do think slapping yourself is a sign that you're really struggling to keep your emotions under control. It sounds like you have a hard time letting your emotions out before they overwhelm you maybe? So when something tips it over the edge, they explode out of you and it can maybe manifest in unhealthy ways like hitting yourself, does that sound right?
I really don't think you're anything to do with your family problems. Families have problems for lots of different reasons, usually something like the stress of everyday life. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and expectation, as well as not being given much praise or acknowledgement by your dad, which must feel difficult sometimes. Your mum cried probably because it was upsetting to see someone she loves slapping themselves. That's not your fault, though, it isn't something you did to intentionally hurt her.
Do you have a support system like friends/loved ones, a therapist, maybe some listeners on here, who you can vent to when you're having a difficult time emotionally? It can be good to get things off your chest before you get to a point where they cause you to lose control.