It all fell down

              * probably triggering * 

It all fell downn🎵   

  I'm currently listening to this song. It perfectly describes how I feel. I did everything perfectly tho. I had good physical activity, I wrote more, I danced more. I did more. I found mental health techniques and I've done it all. But there's that overwhelming pain that I don't know what to do with. It doesn't feel like fighting. It feels like trying to escape being burned, but obviously being burned because no matter how much water I have, I'm still stuck in the place with the fire in it. And sometimes I have moments of freedom, but it just feels like a prisoner getting out of prison for walks, just to be brought back by the prison's guardian. And what when you move prisons every week, and that the guardian have one assistant backing up making sure you're still stuck? Assistant living in the same prison as you, except it's golden prison. Imagine that the prisoner is only a few steps to be free, but is tied by some invisible thread? And that thread is basically fear. What will they do to me if I don't come back?  I've had some terrible thoughts, how panic can make you think it all! 

    And when you live with narcissists, there's also that thing, I don't know if anybody can relate, of fearing you'll be  unmasked. I hide everything slightly personal, and I'm really cautious when they enter a room I'm at, to hide the videos I watch, and the things I do with mental health. I'm always hypervigilent that they don't "discover me" , it's the worst fear because it's actually the truth, I can never know their next move, and so they basically know only what other parents tell them on the school's studies, and I'm scared to say too much about me when guests come, it's like they learn things about me when their friends come. Like it's a dilemna: do I relax and have fun or worry about what they'll hear? I also have this door-phobia. Like, my room's door always has to be closed for two reasons: I don't wanna hear their noise, and I don't want my life to be exposed in front of them in the rare minutes I get to be myself. It's horrible. That's why I hate when they don't knock. And my sister never obeys that rule because in one of our houses, we share the same bedroom. And I figured out she became a narcissist recently. As the days pass on, she's every day worse. And it's horrible for me, It took me really much time to accept she chose her camp; and can't be helped. She's so entitled, petty, selfish and paranoid I wanna vomit, she's like the exact mash up of my mother and father. I wish she wasn't in this golden child situation, and I have to remember how horrible she is all the time to stop empathizing with her experience. Her life was and is so messed up, but with me we could have allied against them. They're only so strong because they divided us. It's like the regret of my life, though I couldn't have done anything to stop her from becoming the way she is. I'm just so, so sad. And there's nobody in my life that can relate with me really, which is the hardest part. I got so used to pretend I'm fine it now goes automatic. And then I watch the scar my mother left me on my arm that doesn't go away, and I feel defeited. At some point, my sister is worse than them. They basically don't have to bring me down, she does the job and they get supply from her. How am I supposed to heal, when I'm still there? I don't know. I try. I try very hard. It's like even the Internet doesn't know what to do with me. I'm old enough to understand what's going on, but not to leave the house. I had suicidal thoughts before. They came for the second time; this year after thinking they disappeared. On summer vacations again, of course! And my friends don't respond texts, they're too busy having fun. . . I don't wanna self pity, I wish I could cry, but I can't. Everything feels messed up and nothing works and I'm so trapped. I have these weird cramps everywhere and sleep, meditation and sport didn't help. I was hopeful, only to see this hope proven wrong. I was happy, but it didn't last. I want to have freedom, but I want it to last forever. . . Am I doomed? How many times did I imagine people feeling broken when I'd die, and discovering what actually happened to me opening my notes? I feel more like these people who would tragically die and then serve as a martyr for a cause ; then a girl who actually has a chance of surviving . How many people never ask theirselves these questions? How many go ignorant of what actually happens in the world? So many parents don't actually "do their best". And now what? What do I do? How am I supposed to accept that I will never be normal? That I will never totally heal? It's worse for people who have, like cancer and I'm so sorry if you have such a disease. But like, it sucks. Life, yeah sucks. No matter how positive and grateful I'll be, life didn't do anything else than suck for me, so please PROVE ME WRONG. Like, life, give me a reason to think you don't suck. Depression is at it's worst when you know, logic tells you you have every reason to be depressed. The more you know, the more depressed you are. But here's the problem with me: I'm addicted to the truth. I want to know it, even if it destroys me. Is that why so many teachers despided me? Why I get ignored? 

   The truth is like fire. It gives you light and warmth, but if you approach it too much, it burns you.