I wish I just said yes

This might be triggering to some people.

Me and my brother (sister at the time, trans ftm) were SA'd for four years by the same guy, it started in grade 3 and I. An really remember most of my life, I only remember broken pieces. In grade four I think, I had an out, I could of been separated from him for the rest of middle school but I said no, I didn't want to be a burden but mostly I was afraid that he would find out and it would get worse. I thought I could handle him but I thought wrong. I'm not sure if my brother knows that I could of stopped it before it got really bad, it's my fault that we both had to suffer three more god awful years with him and I now suffer the consequences to my actions. It's been four years since I saw him and it seems my brother has moved on but I can't quite seem to get over it. I have people to talk to about this but I can't, it's a sensitive topic for my brother obviously and I can talk to my boyfriend about it and I do really want to talk about it but I just can't seem to say anything or even type it out. I want to talk about it I really do but that is not his burden to carry. I can't stop thinking about all those days where I wanted the world to swallow me whole, all those times he tried to kill me, all those fake excuses about being clumsy, I could have prevented it all not just for me but for my brother too. I wish I just said yes.