Just a question that needs answering
Trigger warning ⚠️ sexual abuse and incest.
I uncovered some memories that I had long buried. I suffered a nervous breakdown recently, and my entire cognizance is unraveling.
The question is, what does it mean when your best friend tells you that they molested someone when they were a kid, and then you realize it was you?
For the record, We didn't... touch. We were very young. And I repressed it. Later in life I found out that he was severely traumatized, and something about me just comforted him. He was an abuse survivor, so he was confused.
I was confused. I don't know why we did what we did, we were both barely teenagers. Our friendship was never the same.
I used to just think that it was a dumb thing that could happen to anybody. But if my cousin believes he took advantage of me, and my memory is of him coaching me through it basically, then...what am I supposed to do now? I'm an adult, just out of a toxic relationship, I'm a man, and this has caused deep damage in my mind. I have suicidal depression, rage issues, and deep paranoia of everyone and everything.
I don't know. It's deeply confusing. I don't think I deserve to be called a survivor or anything like that.
I've never told a soul.
@limegreenSugar9416
i hope sharing will be a pressure relief valve. It is extremely hard to recall items that you repressed or put behind you. If you are trying to fill in blanks some things may not accurate. we worry about fuzzy details. fuzzy memories are often worse. They can be very upsetting as we can not be sure of what we are remembering. Did this cousin confess and apologize to you? or are you feeling it might be you? do you trust their version of what occurred?
When looking back at memories with siblings/ friends (who were there) our versions or memories all seem like we were in different places/ times/ seeing it much different etc. I have asked others and they have experienced similar differences in recollection.
It was strange, because, I was in the autism spectrum, which I didn't know at the time, but he might have known. Which is *** up. Or maybe he didnt know, and thought it was consensual because in didn't say know.
My theory is that he was recreate his trauma with me. We were close. Trauma bonding I think. I got bullied and hurt and ignored, and he got abused lied to his whole life atop of addictions.
@limegreenSugar9416
That is the difficult part in looking back .... who knew what when ... and if we did not know then because we do know now. we can not change the past no matter how clear or fuzzy the memory is.
Thank you for replying. No many people did lol
@limegreenSugar9416 It takes a lot of courage to share like you did. Thank you for being here and thank you for being willing to share what you are going through with others. I do not have the answers, but just want you to know that I am sorry you are going through this. I don't want to be pushy, but I do think it would be good to consider connecting with a therapist to work through some of this. Thanks again for being here and for having the courage to reach out for help.
I don't have that option. I have no money and no hope of getting money right now.
Thank you for atleast replying...I really do need help understanding this. Opinions are welcome
