Just a set of Early Childhood Experiences I Wanted to Share

I’m 19, Male, and Straight. Just here to share and talk about some awful experiences I went through when I was an early-teenager. In sum, I was molested domestically while being premature.

The more horrible part is, I didn't have the capacity to communicate this to anyone at that time. This is the first time I’m sharing this.

I actually have forgotten about this incident totally for years after that, which I really find odd. My memory is quite strong when it comes to my experiences. It doesn't make sense for this significantly awful experience getting totally locked by my mind.

Just a month ago, it came in my mind with a realization of how much this incident affected my well-being and rewired my psychology negatively.

I’ve done some reflection and work by myself. Now, I would like ya’ll to listen. Any interpretation or advice would also be welcomed.

It happened when I was around 12-13. It was probably midnight when get out of sleep and noticed my big brother was rubbing my ***. Then he took my *** in his mouth. Eventually, I felt like my *** is releasing a small dose of urine. That's it for that night.

Obviously, I was clueless at that time. I didn't have any ejaculation before that, nor I had any sexual knowledge.

For note, I’ve been sleeping in the same room with my brother since age 5 or so. It’s actually not unusual in the place I live in (Bangladesh).

Nevertheless, as I said, I was confused after that night. I was kinda introverted at the same time, I was seen as a good guy by others. I was used to side hear talks about sexual stuff. You know, people posing it as something dark, swearing with sexual words, and so on. Additionally, the place I live — people here are conservative about these stuff for being a muslim-majority country (at least structurally).

Even within the limited knowledge about sex and sexuality, the view was embedded inside my head as a kid was it’s something dark or bad thing. I didn't even got to know it’s an essential part of human reproduction. Please, I didn't have access to the internet or the other source of quality information, like books or newspapers. So it wasn’t unusual for my view on matters to be shaped by how people pose it.

Anyways, my big brother, who was 3 years older than me, did something along the first night in two more consecutive nights. I didn't resist at first time, but started to resist from the second night.

I would have stayed awake longer at first. It didn't work. Then I would beat him if he tried to do anything. As he was older than me, it didn't work significantly. The fact that I have a deep sleep, it enabled him.

We went back-and-forth like this for weeks. I didn't let him do something like first night, but my sleep started to get *** up. I was annoyed and feeling vulnerable.

After one week or so, I felt I need to communicate to my parents about this. I literally told them I wouldn't stay as same room as my brother. But when they asked why, I lost words to communicate to them about that with them. I mean that literally. The words to describe what was happening wasn't even in my dictionary. Moreover, I was feeling stuffs hard to describe with text at that moment. I was feeling a resistant that kept me from sharing that to them.

That being said, there were only two rooms in our household at that time — one for my parents and one for me and my brother.

All I was saying to my parents: I don't want to stay as same room as my brother. I said something like that multiple times at multiple days in different ways to express my discomfort. I can understand I didn't communicate about this clearly.

But I wished, I had parents who would at least intuitively figure out something was going on. In their mind, I came across as weird to suddenly say I don't want to do something that I have been doing for years. Everything was fine for them, I felt like I was devalued at that time. What happened after that made me loose my trust in parents forever.

Another night, big brother was trying to do what he have been. I woke up at midnight to change my room. I went to my parents room. The door was open. Frankly, They were having sex at that time. I quietly went into room and layed down in a sofa beside bed. I would make this part as it is.

I heard my mother saying, “[My name] has came here and layed in sofa. While I was pretending to sleep, they continued to do what they have been doing. After they finished, I heard my father saying, “Now you don’t have to sleep in the sofa, you can sleep in the bed.“ I got a sense of mockery in his tone and it wasn't good for that situation I was in. I felt embarrassed.

My mother said, “He might have slept.“ Father, “Yes, that's why I said that.” I was still awake and couldn't sleep at all at night to be honest. I had school at morning, so I had to wake up anyway. Anyways, that was the time I realized sex was an essential part of reproduction.

I was feeling helpless after that incident and afterwards. My family members started to seem evil (due to my embedded view on sexual matters). I guess, I basically lost trust in all of them fundamentally. I didn't have any close friends too. I guess, It must be hard for an 11-years-old.

Nevertheless, that was just one half of the story. The other half was consequences of it and how I coped in that terrible situation.

Brother didn't stop trying to do what he has been doing. He started to tease me, manipulate me at other times too. I continued to do what I could. My sleep schedule got screwed at that point. I still struggle with it.

Anyways, now I had to cope. I coped by indulging in it. I started to tease and do what my brother been doing to me at night. I started really indulge. Basically, I did everything without entering *** to his ***.

It was *** mostly. It went on 2-3 months before it stopped. Then within the next 1 years something like that might happen here-and-there — maybe he would try to do that or I. After one year, I decided to stop it permanently. And eventually I got my private room.

Whatever the case, it was undeniabily a crooked exposure to sexually (I’m clearly not gay) and also a damaging experience as far my psychology is a concern. That I’m realizing now.

I don't posses any ill feelings towards anyone, I just don't care about them. Maybe I forgive, but never forget. And about that incident, yeah it isn’t healed. I have even cried writing this two times.

I just want to cure the negative effects this experience had on me. I believe it’s still affecting me, and can affect me negatively in the future if I don't do anything about it.

I’ve already shared my purpose of writing this post, so that's it for today, I guess.