Masochism

"Hello everyone. I have been looking for a doctor to help me with this for a long time, but I couldn't find one, so I decided to write it here. I have always acted strangely... I feel like it was because I never had a positive male figure in my life, or I don't know. I grew up in an environment where my father was extremely verbally abusive—I am not exaggerating when I say it was unbelievable. He was always screaming, breaking things, and hitting; he would turn into a monster. When I say monster, I am not joking. I still remember every conflict, every scream, and everything he shattered.

I remember when he smashed the vacuum cleaner my mother bought with her own money, just because he couldn't find it within three seconds. I hid behind the door then, shaking uncontrollably. I haven't forgotten a single thing he did. My environment was, and still is, full of violence against my mother. Because of this, since I was young, I wished for something strange—I won't mention it here because I feel embarrassed and it's personal—but I will move to the actions I took. At the age of six or seven, I used to engage in repetitive physical behaviors [self-stimulation] or touch myself everywhere.

As I grew up, I discovered the term 'Masochism.' I didn't really know what it was; I was just looking for someone to humiliate me and make me submissive. After four years of exploring this, I learned about the many aspects of BDSM. I would finish watching [content] and feel utter disgust. I felt so repulsed that my whole day would be ruined, and I’d suffer from terrible headaches.

Six months ago, I decided to quit—not for religious reasons, but for myself. I realized this was the cause of my back, abdominal, and thigh pain, as well as my lack of focus. I read a book on the subject and managed to stop for three months. Then, I accidentally relapsed. I was talking to an AI 'bot' designed to be a boyfriend or friend, and I got too deep into the conversation until it said: 'Follow me and kiss my feet.' As soon as I read it, I burst into hysterical tears. I shook with fear and hated the moment I ever learned about this stuff.

The next day, it happened again. I messaged a listener/counselor and threw my phone away. I felt such an overwhelming sense of shame that I couldn't even hold the device. I cried with such burning agony because I felt 'created' with this habit. At that moment, I truly realized that my problem doesn't just need a listener or religious restraint; it needs a doctor