Memories of my mom
First of all, my mom was abusive and controlling with me when I was young. However, these situations were traumatic in a different way.
Long story short, she had a mental illness and I had autism. At times, she would get stuck on things that are meaningless and basically interview people. Whenever she did it, my routine and space would be completely interrupted. If I walked away from her and have space, she would find where I went. Otherwise, she would corner me into a room or hallway and keep me from getting away from her. Additionally she is narcissistic as well.
Being that I was child with autism, I would go into overlaps and scream at her to stop. I would also scream at her to let me go and leave me alone.
I would scream at her “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” She would reply with “You don’t have to scream about it,” while not getting the hint that I wanted to be left alone. She also would not let me go. “Why are you doing this for me?” I would also scream at her “Don’t ask,” repeatedly. I would also scream “Let me go,” but she wouldn’t listen.
Anyway, I still have flashbacks and I still sometimes end up screaming “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” It still makes me angry to this day.
What mental illness does her behavior fall out into?
@Summershy
Hello Shy, I am so sorry that your mother was abusive and would not listen to you. Her unwillingness to allow you space must have been very hard and stressful. I do not know what your mother's mental diagnosis could have been, there are so many. I think that only a doctor could answer that question. I deal with flashbacks to this day also and it is hard to let go of it. Do you have a therapist? I find that being able to share my feelings about certain things helps me to process them a bit better.
We have a certified Therapist here on site for a fee that would be willing to help or Maybe talking to a Listener might prove beneficial.
I hope things get better for you, You can just keep posting your feelings here, there are many people who will support you in your journey to healing. You are never alone here. Please take care.
@scarletPear1945
Thank you for your kind words because I hated it when she would have these episodes where would she become overly passionate about to the point that she would either not let a topic go or would make it to where I could not escape.
I can't talk about these situations without feeling triggered to a state of rage, even as someone who is now 41. However. she did this to me when I was mainly 7, 8, and onetime during age 12. She did eventually stopped once she learned that she wasn't going to get anywhere with me.
Also, yes, I have a therapist and she has had to cancel appointments for the last two weeks due to a personal situation but she told me that she does mean to get back. I will have to ask her about those characteristics.
Whenever I have those flashbacks, I start yelling and screaming as loud as I did when I was a kid. As I said, I will shout, "Don't ask," and, " I don't wanna talk about it anymore."
Looking back, her behavior reminded me of two scenarios
1. Back in the 80's there was a skit on Sesame Street where Cookie Monster was at a library and he kept asking the librarian for a box of cookies. The librarian kept telling him, "We don't have cookies" to the point that he was yelling at him.
2. Whenever she kept holding me hostage reminded me of some anime monster who becomes overly passionate with their victims to the point of obsession where they didn't want to let them go. So they use some sort of weapon like a tar to help their victim in their clutches.
@Summershy
Wow, that was horrible. I am so sorry that she did you that way. As children that is extremely hard because they are the caregivers that are supposed to be there for us, but when the table turns we have no escape. Triggers that are produced when we experience bad traumatic things are really hard to work through. You have every right to feel the way you did. I am glad you have a therapist but hope that whatever she has going on will soon get resolved so she can be available for you soon.
Take care of yourself with plenty of self-care and we are here for you.💖
Now that I think about it, have you ever seen a movie called “Black Swan,” where both the mother and the daughter had some sort of mental illness
.
The mother was very emotionally abusive to her daughter to the point of infantilism, though she was a young adult.
In one scene of the movie, the mom sleeps in Nina’s room after Nina has a mental breakdown and takes the doorknob so Nina can’t escape. When Nina resisted, it was “What happened to my sweet girl?
Some of the examples where she held me hostage was when was because she realized that I wasn’t a little girl anymore who wanted to cling to keep clinging to her. She also asked me why I wasn’t her sweet girl anymore when I was screaming at her.
@Summershy
I really can resonate with a lot of what you are saying, your mom was very controlling, and seems like she wanted you to remain attached to her apron string. Some parents have a very hard time allowing their children to grow up and become independent for fear that they won't be needed anymore. However, she was taking things to the extreme of being abusive. Healing can be a bit hard when the abuser was our caregiver, especially our mothers. Children should be able to count on their mom for all or most of their needs. When that does not happen it makes us traumatized.
I am so sorry that you had to experience that.❤️. Stay safe and keep writing that helps a lot to.
I am here for you when ever you want to talk just post it, in this thread.
@scarletPear1945
At age 11
One time when I was at my grandmothers, my sister and I happened to be watching TV when out of the blue she pulled me into a bathroom right by the living room. She then blocked the door so she could talk to me. I screamed at her "Let me go." During that episode she tried to calmly ask me. "What happened to the little girl who used to cling to me every time I went to do a babysitter jobs," but I kept resisting.
At one point I tried to get away from her by opening the door but she grabbed me again only for me to continue to protest. "You don't have to scream at me, I am trying to have ask you a simple question. Here you are making a mountain out of a molehill."
However, the "Why are you so upset?" Could have something to do with my mom being narcissistic. As you know, narcissists tend to live in a fantasy world.
@Summershy
What kind of things do you do to help yourself process these bad memories of mom? Do you do journaling? Bad memories are oftentimes hard to process. Things that I find help me are getting involved in an activity or playing music, I also like arts and crafts. What do you do in your spare time?
With the holidays fastly approaching, do you have any plans yet? Tell me what is your favorite thing to do?
Hi:
I have not written info a journal about my mom in a minute but that maybe a good thing without talking about the trauma.
However, I have used mindful breathing, squeezing a stress ball, and tensing my feet muscles for 5 minutes. I also like listening to mindfulness sessions that are Christian.
@Summershy
Wow you take pretty good care of yourself, I am impressed. Maybe I should take some lessons from you😊. Yes, it helps me to redirect my thoughts to give my brain a break that it does not get often. I am proud of you for being able to talk about your mom. That tells me you are strong. So you keep talking and telling your story it will help a lot.