Moments

Ever since my mom died I've in away had the bandaids of the wounds she left ripped off. So ive been trying to deal with things as they come up.. lately it's been how my mom never wanted me. She did, but she didn't.. so she was a life long alcoholic. Never admitted it an hated anything an everything to do with recovery.. when my parents divorced my dad dove head long into recovery an has lived it everyday since..he started taking me to meetings at 7 years old ...mom hated that. As i got older the abuse from that side of my family got worse so did the drinking..finally at 13 I'd had enough..an i refused a beating over grades. That small act i didnt realize how much It ment till lately. My mom at that point decided to sign her rights to my dad. Effectively giving me up. She even told me she wasn't going to do visitation or childsupport an that I'd be welcome to visit if she felt up to it..to my 13year old brain that didnt register..it was a few years before I visited again.

Now here I am almost 50 ..an realizing what all that ment. She didnt want me ...an thats fine..it didnt feel fine till I realized why...all the aa meeting I'd been to an heard the talks of acholoizem being a disease it didnt click..she didnt want me because she had a disease..one that wanted control an manipulation. An thats what she wanted of me ..control an manipulation..if I couldn't be controlled or manipulated then she didnt want me..an my act of defiance was that point. Dose it make it better..no..dose it make it OK....no...dose it make it make more sense yes...where dose that leave me..i don't know...

I honestly don't know what to do with this moment.