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placidPlane1200
3 737 M Little Steps
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts63 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes26 Current upvotes26 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceApril 14, 2026
Bio

Bio's are so hard. I'm 47 i have 4 children, 2 grown, 2 little. I'm on my 3rd marriage which is about to end, after that I don't plan on any more as I need time to heal an heal my kids. I'm a survivor of SA, molestation, abuse (all). I've been part of alateen, alanon, an grew up in the recovery community, I've had diagnosis of dysthymic depression, ADHD, dyslexia, PTSD, anxiety. With the death of my mom a few years ago I suspect but never have been diagnosed with CPTSD. The circumstances of her death an my complicated relationship with my mom, have put me in a spiral, an my current relationship is unsupportive. I've spent the last 2 years in peer support because I've not been able to afford therapy. While it's helped it's not the one on one I feel I need, but it's what I can do..

Recent forum posts
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Struggling
Trauma Support / by placidPlane1200
Last post
 August 17th
...See more I'm struggling with my own trust in me, an with my husband. Things have been rocky for years. But about a year ago. He woke me up by shoving me off the bed an demanded it an when I didn't began to yell at me half way down the hall I caved cause I didn't want him to wake the littles up to that..as he finished I told him that I didn't want to. As a 10 year sa survivor an a r survivor this one incident broke all the work apart.. an now I'm struggling with trusting myself an him. He's recently started therapy an is doing some work, luck for him his insurance an va pay for that. Mine however would be 100+ a visit an i cant afford that. So i've been Journaling an doing art, an trying to find a safe space here. Today he came back to that pushyness an I had a panic attack..i want to confront him on my feelings but I feel like it would do more damage because hes the type that that blows things out of purportion an character assisanates when confronted. I need to reestablish the trust in me. But im struggling to find that ground. Any insite would be helpful.
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Moments
Trauma Support / by placidPlane1200
Last post
 August 9th
...See more Ever since my mom died I've in away had the bandaids of the wounds she left ripped off. So ive been trying to deal with things as they come up.. lately it's been how my mom never wanted me. She did, but she didn't.. so she was a life long alcoholic. Never admitted it an hated anything an everything to do with recovery.. when my parents divorced my dad dove head long into recovery an has lived it everyday since..he started taking me to meetings at 7 years old ...mom hated that. As i got older the abuse from that side of my family got worse so did the drinking..finally at 13 I'd had enough..an i refused a beating over grades. That small act i didnt realize how much It ment till lately. My mom at that point decided to sign her rights to my dad. Effectively giving me up. She even told me she wasn't going to do visitation or childsupport an that I'd be welcome to visit if she felt up to it..to my 13year old brain that didnt register..it was a few years before I visited again. Now here I am almost 50 ..an realizing what all that ment. She didnt want me ...an thats fine..it didnt feel fine till I realized why...all the aa meeting I'd been to an heard the talks of acholoizem being a disease it didnt click..she didnt want me because she had a disease..one that wanted control an manipulation. An thats what she wanted of me ..control an manipulation..if I couldn't be controlled or manipulated then she didnt want me..an my act of defiance was that point. Dose it make it better..no..dose it make it OK....no...dose it make it make more sense yes...where dose that leave me..i don't know... I honestly don't know what to do with this moment.
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Missing
Grief & Loss / by placidPlane1200
Last post
 August 4th
...See more Here lately I'm missing my mom. Through the anger an hurt I'm missing her. Its always a back an forth. Between her suicide, the lack of healthy relationship, an just her death. I'm missing her.
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Feeling down
Depression Support / by placidPlane1200
Last post
 May 24th
...See more Ii contracted covid this week. And I've been in the bed for a couple days. I've been dealing with it since last Thursday though And I feel like i've let everybody down by getting sick. I tried to push through and then it got to me. As a matter of fact the day that I went down hard with it. My husband had his V. F. W meeting and he left me here with the kids. So that he could do that. And then yesterday, when I was still having a rough go, he had his therapy appointment and left me with the kids again. And today I got up moving around, trying to get back some strength, and he gave me a laundry list of stuff that we need to do. And stuff that we need to get. So when I said okay, fine, I'll go put on some clothes, then we'll go.He was like, no I didn't mean it like that.I didn't mean you had to. But I still feel like i've let everybody down. I even did my daily call out to work. So that they could document my time off and one of the shift leads was like, well, do you know the number this so that I can order, like asking me questions about work when I couldn't hardly even sit up How can they not understand I am barely functioning. And that's why I feel like i've let everybody down is because I function so well.All the time. An now im not..
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Can we just skip it..
Grief & Loss / by placidPlane1200
Last post
 May 3rd
...See more I work in a retail setting we offer a photo printing service. An tonight it hit me mothers day is soon, why cause I was printing people's mother's day presents. It made me feel lost. I have anger, hurt, an love towards my mom..an shes gone. Yes I have kids also an they do things for me on mother's day but I always have a hard time being present for it..cause MY mom's gone...grief is hard during these moments...the lost the disconnect the memories.. I just want to dissapear that day...skip it..
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Trauma an grief
Trauma Support / by placidPlane1200
Last post
 April 28th
...See more I I almost feel like thus should be a cross post. I've never been diagnosed with Cptsd an didn't even know about it till shortly after my mom's suicide/death. I was looking for grief support because I was hanging by a thread. After alot of reading I feel alot of the markers fit me almost uncomfortablely so. My mom an I had a complicated relationship. We were never close. She was an alcoholic an her an my dad's divorce was messy. I was often the one dealing with her anger. Also I was sexually abuse by a family member on her side. When I told her she refused to believe me an continued to try to include this person in events. At the ripe age of 13 I finally had enough an fough back. She sent me to live with my dad. As I was riminising on this memory the other day I realized something that's hurt when she signed over to me living with my dad the discussion was " if I sign you to your dad I won't pay child support or do visitations with you, you have to come over when you want an I feel like seeing you" . It didn't occur to me what she was saying till now that she was giving me up ..that she no longer wanted me. An as with all the thing she did an said none of this has validation or closure an I'm just left with it. The fall out from her suicide/death has opened up all the mother wounds an I see in so many ways how it's dictated the trajectory of my life an choices an the weight of its immense. I'm still trying though. But it's moment's like these where I discovere the depth of another traumatic event that I feel lost.
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