My First Thoughts Upon Waking Up
(TW: Suicide, maybe abuse, someone not taking accountability, also potential overdose...)
Hi. So this is my first time in the trauma forums. I've never been quite sure if I had been hurt bad enough to be here, but this time I will talk about something and hope it belongs in this space.
I just woke up a few hours early and the first thing on my mind this time was a few triggering memories that happened within the last couple of years...
First is the time people in my household were snapping at me before bed and I don't remember why. All I remember is I was getting ready to just down an entire bottle of sleep aid because I wasn't thinking rationally and I was very upset. But the reason this stuck with me the way it did is truly because, instead of being handled carefully, I got screamed at and called all sorts of things, which only made it worse. Deep down, I did not want to take them. Ultimately, I never did. But still. I will never forget the hate I got, knowing full-well she would have not been treated the same way in my shoes. I was also shamed later on and in the moment for even trying to do anything like this because months prior to this my boyfriend lost both his parents, even though both of them were abusive. Parental issues between all of us is a whole different story that I won't go over in this post directly.
The other memory is the time my boyfriend was angry because he was getting ready for work, which he did not want to do. But we were chatting at the time, and apparently it was tense because he snapped at some point, claiming I was distracting him from work and how he was going to be late. Well, he was punching holes in doors and such, so I immediately dropped all my feelings I had on the subject and focused on just making sure he got what he wanted from me. But see, that wasn't good enough apparently, as he said I "only" tried to fix it after he punched a hole in the door and started wailing in distress. I guess I was too slow to be a good girlfriend, and he said he almost didn't even go into work that day. I feel simultaneously bad about it and also bitter toward him. I also don't know if I should feel ashamed for my behavior that night or justified.
These two thoughts came to me this morning side-by-side. One simply hurt to remember how I was treated at one of my lowest points, and the other reminded me of how differently we handle others' distress. I really believe I was the nicest person between those two experiences alone, and I don't know how to feel about that.
I don't know if this really is fit to be in the trauma support forum or not. I also don't know if I have a right to feel the way I do. I always felt like I didn't have a right to have feelings or opinions on topics like these.
@BusyBird
If the events felt traumatic, they were.
It's not a question of whether you've a right to feel as though they were traumatic, just as there's no question about the existence of gravity. No human has the right to question your right to having your feelings, just as they have no right to make a character judgment based on your height.
An explosive boyfriend is sufficient to cause a person to question everything, and find things frightening and even traumatic that previously weren't. That's why one upsetting thing reminds us of other seemingly unrelated things.
It's required for you to feel safe and secure in order to recover. You have an absolute right to be in both a physically and emotionally secure place. That's also where you deserve to be.
So yes, it's very appropriate for you to be in a trauma support group. Such support is needed, even when no longer in the presence of the trauma.
@Spiritriver Thank you so, so much. It means a lot to me to hear all of that which you said. I'm tired of questioning whether or not I deserve things or if my feelings are valid.
Especially when someone else also felt a certain way about the same situation, so it starts to feel like a competition of who's feelings/POV is more valid or right... And I'm not a very competitive person.