My Trauma (TW: mentions of SA, r@pe, abuse, pedophilia, religion, incest and inappropriate pictures.)

Hey, I'm just writing this for a few reasons:

1- Raise awareness

2- Let all of my feelings out

3- Make others not feel alone

Hey, this will be a long one lol, but I'll try to make it short. Around sixth grade (when I was a 10yo) I felt really alone because I had no friends and since quarantine was starting, I decided to go to online kids chat websites. I never really spent much time there so it wasn't an issue until seventh grade. I started to constantly use it and spend a lot of time there, that only got worse when I met a "girl". I fell in love with "her" and I kind of thought it was the online version of love at first sight. I didn't think that "her" being constantly offline was a problem. "She" tried pushing me into incest because "she" liked "her sister". After a while I was told "she" lied about "her" age. Later on I was a bit pushed to also identify myself as polygamous and stay with "her" because "she" was my first love, but I could have said no. Little did I know it was the same person hiding behind the screen saying the same things. I had my suspicions because they would say the same exact words a lot however when I confronted them I was dumb enough to get manipulated again by that person. After they pushed me into polygamy, "one of them" ended up sending me inappropriate pictures and made me feel the guilty enough to send ones of myself. Then "people" kept leaving and coming into my life who were all on the same website and said the same things yet I still fell for all of it. It makes me feel dumb for thinking about it but everyone likes to ignore the red flags of someone who they love, because what wouldn't you do for love? Those

"people" who kept leaving ended up really pushing me to liking "their mothers" so I gave in. And I was crazy when I was with them to the point that I'd say stuff such as "I'd let you *** me" and "they" would push me to say other stuff and even to the point where they sexualised my pictures of myself when I was a baby and anything under 10. "They" also forced me to

like some "girls" that were way younger than my age. It made me sick to my stomach but I did it again and again for "them". I accepted it and allowed "them" to do and say whatever only so I would stay with "them". Turns out it was one old guy putting up this act behind the screen, all of those "people" were one person who thought it would be fun to mess with me for around 3 years. I sacrificed too much of my time for years only for him. I know what I said and did have no excuses and I really feel guilty for it and yes I am the *** and I should have been more careful but I cannot reverse anything. I just have to live with this and accept the fact that I will never find someone because of my story.

Now to the second part, my parents are mentally, physically and verbally abusive. They have SA'd me many times yet they force me onto their religion although I'm a lesbian atheist (I haven't told anyone other than one girl who lives too far away and my brother somehow found out). To make matters worse, I live in a homophobic country, so if I ever tell the police that I'm in danger and my brother could tell the police and I'd end up in jail longer than my own parents who abused me in every single way possible. And tbh, my brother is creepy so I would be dead if he would be on this app and saw this post, he would know it was me.

My only hope was to escape by studying abroad but I'm not sure if I'm staying in my school (it's an international private one and I'd go to a local public one) so now I don't have any hope to escape. However, that's okay because so far I am the only person who has my back somehow. Nobody would be by my side if they found out about me, and I totally understand that. But sometimes I just wish I could reverse all of the damage done or erase a part of my life just by pressing a button, but that's not how life works lol. If you've reached this far, thank you for reading and please make sure to stay away from people online and sketchy websites.