Not in my 20’s anymore - 12:00 AM

Today is my birthday, and it’s a hard one. I’m coming out of trauma that I didn’t even realize I was living through for years — trauma from family who was supposed to protect me but instead exposed me to harm.

I’m feeling overwhelmed and deeply sad because the people I needed the most, especially my mom, weren’t there in the way I needed. Instead of being protected, I was blamed and used as a scapegoat. There were people in my life who hurt me, and the adults around me knew but didn’t stop it.

Seeing people’s true faces — relatives, so-called friends, and even those I built trauma bonds with that weren’t real — it’s a lot to take in. But I’m not going to let it defeat me. This year will just be different.

I can’t really celebrate because I’m facing an upcoming court date for what I believe might be an illegal eviction. I was fighting for stability and my mental health, and just thinking about possibly being homeless at 30, with my registered emotional support dog, is a lot to take in when I truly have no one in my life right now.

I’m done carrying the silence and the shame that wasn’t mine to bear. I’ve realized that the bond I wanted with my mom was never going to be what I needed. When I reached out, I was met with coldness, and that rejection cuts deeper than I can describe.

I feel isolated, like I have no family support, and it’s confusing and painful. Sometimes I’ve even questioned my own worth because of it. But today, on my birthday, I’m choosing to walk away from the poison and claim my own truth.

Deep breaths.