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Overthinking (even) the title

User Profile: DontGetAnyBigIdeas
DontGetAnyBigIdeas October 18th

Just writing this here as a raw vent. I’m not looking for advice or solutions right now, I just feel cornered and needed a safe place to put this out of my head. (But everyone’s welcome to respond.)

Growing up, my childhood seemed okay from the outside, but the little time my dad spent home from work was filled with constant terror. Even now, he tries to force me to live life "by the book." His control left me deeply insecure, to the point where I still instinctively believe his negative voice over anyone else's.

For a while, I tried to prove I had control over my own life. After my cousin died, I got a tattoo and a piercing. After a breakup, I went out and bought a brand new car without telling my dad. It felt like a new beginning at the time, like everything will just magically start feeling better, but the high wore off and I just ended up feeling hopeless all over again and started coping in an unhealthy way.

Now, I feel completely stuck. People who know me are actually trying to support me and are encouraging me to start my own business. But because my self-worth is so low, I just end up pushing them away. I am just caught in a lonely cycle—stuck between the father who broke my confidence, the people I won't let close enough to help, and a total lack of belief in myself. 


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User Profile: Voodvins
Voodvins October 18th

@НеВеликаІдея

Я розумію вашу ситуацію. Ви провели довгий час у замкнутому середовищі, а потім, здавалося, вам вдалося зробити щось своє, але тепер ви знову тут. Я бачу тут дві речі. По-перше, ви змогли зробити те, що вважали правильним; пірсинг і машина – це важливі показники того, що ви здатні приймати власні рішення і не перебуваєте повністю під чиїмось контролем. По-друге, ви все ще відчуваєте те саме, що й раніше. Це означає, що ви ще не усунули першопричину того, що вас стримує. Ви можете вжити багато заходів, але ви продовжуватимете почуватися в пастці, поки не знайдете справжнє рішення. І це рішення, мені здається, дещо схоже на те, що було потрібно раніше. Якщо можете, чудово підійде співпраця з терапевтом; якщо ні, то знайдіть інший підхід. Вам потрібно відновити свою самооцінку, можливо, ведучи щоденник, де ви записуватимете позитивні речі про себе та хороші аспекти кожного дня. Почніть з того, щоб робити навіть найменші речі по-своєму – від того, як ви готуєте їжу, до одягу, який ви обираєте, або речей, які ви купуєте. Ти маєш силу взяти під контроль своє життя. Ти цього заслуговуєш, і я щиро сподіваюся, що ти зможеш з цим впоратися. Тримайся!


english translation

I understand your situation. You spent a long time in a confined environment, and then you seemed to have managed to do something of your own, but now you're here again. I see two things here. First, you were able to do what you thought was right; Piercings and a machine are important indicators that you are able to make your own decisions and are not completely under anyone's control. Second, you still feel the same as before. It means that you have not yet addressed the root cause of what is holding you back. There are many measures you can take, but you will continue to feel trapped until you find a real solution. And this solution, it seems to me, is somewhat similar to what was needed before. If you can, working with a therapist is great; If not, then find another approach. You need to rebuild your self-esteem, perhaps by keeping a diary where you will write down positive things about yourself and the good aspects of each day. Start by doing even the smallest things your way – from the way you prepare your food, to the clothes you choose or the things you buy. You have the power to take control of your life. You deserve it, and I sincerely hope you can handle it. Hold on!