PTSD, extreme Self hatred and complex trauma [T.W]

@fossilfellow

Absolutely! Share with us <3

*biggggg hugs* <3

I asked chatgpt to filter the details because what I wrote was too raw and unsafe to share. Idk how to feel about this but here it is.

⚠️ Trigger Warning: Mentions of trauma, online exploitation, and emotional struggle.

I grew up in a household where emotional and physical abuse was normal. My father had a temper, and I’ve witnessed things no kid should — fights, aggression, and emotional damage. I’m the youngest in my family and have carried a lot of these memories alone.

When I was really young, something happened with a childhood friend that still haunts me. I didn’t understand the weight of it back then. Years later, we talked briefly, but we never went deep. That moment never left me.

As I grew up, especially between 9 and 12, I started getting exposed to stuff online that wasn’t healthy. I didn't really know what I was doing — it started with curiosity and spiraled into darker content. I now realize how harmful and unsafe it was, especially for a kid.

By the time I was a teen, I’d started interacting with strangers online, sometimes pretending to be someone else, just to feel seen or heard. I kept getting drawn into toxic communities that normalized unhealthy behaviors. It gave me a false sense of belonging, like I wasn’t the only one broken.

I felt fake in real life. Everyone saw me as fun and chill, but deep down I was hurting. I was struggling with identity, self-worth, and heavy guilt. During COVID, it all hit harder. I isolated, and the internet became my escape — but also my trap.

Eventually, I found myself going deeper into spaces online that showed me things I now deeply regret seeing. I won’t go into detail because it’s disturbing — but it messed with my head. I started to hate myself for it. I knew it wasn’t okay, even if I tried to justify it back then.

Some people I met online told me to get help — gave me resources — while others made things worse. I tried talking about it in some forums, but instead of support, I got bullied. People told me awful things that only pushed me down more.

I wanted to change. I tried. I deleted everything. Then relapsed. Then tried again. It was a cycle. One that nearly broke me.

I’ve done things to myself I never thought I would. I tried to punish myself. I thought maybe I deserved it. I lost sight of who I was.

I told a couple of friends bits and pieces of what I was going through. They didn’t take it seriously. I stayed quiet again. But the silence started eating me alive.

Eventually, I stopped going back to those dark places online. It’s been about 7-8 months now. And I’ve been trying — hard — to heal. To stay away from things that could trigger a relapse. I’ve started journaling, grounding myself, seeking support through safer outlets.

But I know that healing isn’t just avoiding triggers. It’s rebuilding who you are.

I’m 17 now. I’ve hurt people, even unintentionally. I’ve crossed lines. I carry guilt every single day. But I still want to be better — to be someone safe to be around. To prove that I can change. That I’m not beyond saving.

I’m not writing this to excuse what I’ve done. I just want someone to understand. I’m still a person — still trying — still fighting.

I’ve seen how dark the internet can be, how easily a person can lose themselves. But I don’t want to stay lost. I want to become someone kind. Someone real.

Even if I don’t deserve forgiveness yet — I’m trying to earn it.