S/A warning

I dont really have anyone I can talk to about this so I figured ranting it out here might help a little. Almost a year ago my (now ex husband) raped me. From November until February I was..not in a great head space. I had myself convinced it wasnt actually rape, that he didnt know, that I wasnt being clear enough. At some point my mental health plummeted from not feeling safe in my own home, from never being calm. My best friend noticed and got me to talk about everything. He helped convince me it was rape and together we made a plan of escape but getting closer with this friend only made things worse with my ex. He raped me over and over again. I couldn't sleep, I threw myself into my work taking any excuse to not be home. Which also made my home life worse. Constant arguing. Him trying to convince me that we're not going to feel better in this relationship until I accept we have to have sex consistently. I made a plan, tried my best to appease him so I could get a place of my own set up and leave without him ever knowing.

Then one day my body gave in. Days without proper sleep, months of abuse and some of the worst mental health I ever had, I passed out. I dont remember when I did but when I woke up he was eating me out. It almost grosses me out more than him going all the way. Him doing something he would receive no pleasure from. It felt especially cruel. I still dont really understand why he did, what it was giving him to shove his tongue in my unconscious body. I woke up in a bit of a haze not completely sure what was happening and he took that as his cue to go all the way with me. He managed to slip in before I fully came too and started fighting him off of me. I hid in the bathroom trying to slow my breathing. I was freaking out and knew id never be able to fall asleep in that house. I packed a bag as fast as I could. Shoving in as much as I could remember I would need, toothbrush, hair brush, change of clothes for work. He was arguing with me the whole time. He tried to pull my bag away from me and hide my keys. We were screaming so loud we woke the neighbors up. I finally managed to get away from him with my go back and keys and got the door locked just as he tried to open my door. He started slamming on the window and I drove away as fast as I could. I called that friend in a panick asking if I could crash at his place for a night. It was like 2 in the morning. He still lived with his dad at the time, luckily I had already met his father and his dad had picked up on some signs from my husband already and he welcomed me with open arms. Told me I could stay as long as I needed to.

The next afternoon I came back to the house. Packed all my stuff up. Called my mom to tell her everything. She drove over night to help. I got everything packed up and when he got home he looked around asked if we were divorcing and when I said yes he told me to get out of his house then. I asked if I could get my stuff tomorrow since it wouldn't all fit in my car. I spent another night at my friend's and in the morning I got all my stuff packed in my and my mothers car. A few days later I returned for the few things that wouldn't fit and my dog. I half expected my stuff to be gone but I knew my dog would be safe because I left him under the impression he could have her. When I returned though I quickly brought her and her stuff to the car. He started yelling at me and demanding to know why I was ruining our marriage and claiming i never loved him. He refused to let me leave again even slamming my car door shut everytime I tried to get in. I remember hearing my dog barking at him trying to get to me when he grabbed me by the arms and started to shake me demanding I tell him if I ever cared about him. It was a big blurr from there. I cant remember what I did to finally get myself free of him. I just remember him kicking the fence as I left. Speeding down that road for the final time. I made it a few cities over before I finally pulled over, satisfied he didn't follow me. I remember pulling my dog into my lap and crying until I physically couldn't cry anymore. My head hurt, my whole face was puffy, and I wasnt sure what my next steps were but I was finally out.

Its been a long year since. A very bumpy road. Recently my progress has regressed and I dont know how to get back on track. But I think talking it out like this. Telling the full story for the first time, i think thats a good place to start.