Secret Touch
Ghosts of the past,they haunt me night and day.
The night is dark,the shadows creep.
Whispering secrets,I can't seem to lay.
A father's touch,a secret I must keep.
The memories replay a haunting refrain.
A pain that lingers,a never ending rain.
I was just nine,in so many ways.
I try to forget, but the echoes remain.
A whisper of fear,a constant searing pain.
A child so small in those lost days.
Blues falling down,a relentless icy rain.
Freezing my soul, erasing no pain but....
Only laughter, sunshine,my childhood dreams so bright.
Replaced by shadows consumed by endless nights.
Each beating heart a phantom lost in time.
A constant aching void a life long slow decline.
He said he loved me, whispered sweet lies,
But his touch was poison,a dark disguise,
I was so happy,so carefree and bright,
Then the darkness fell, extinguishing the light,
The world felt silent,my voice unheard,
The weight of secrets, a very heavy burden,
He never said sorry, never showed a tear,
But left me broken,year after year.
Lost in the shadows, feeling just as lost,
As I did that night,at such a terrible cost,
Feeling so hopeless,a future unclear,
Drowning in a body,year after year,
I don't see myself getting better,
Trapped in this darkness forever.
@anonyHuman2290
I'm so sorry you're suffering, and it sounds like you're suffering alone. I was a victim as well, which is a bit unusual for a male, but it happened with an older brother and also with a teacher. I was afraid to tell anyone. The teacher got caught and was arrested right in front of the class. My brother never got caught. I was terrified to say anything.
Dark memories are a trap, like a dark room, unable to see an escape, the walls reinforced by fear and grief. I figured out that there is light outside the walls. It took me a while to find a way out of the darkness, and I can easily find myself heading back towards it. Would it help to know there's no darkness within you? There may be scars and dark memories, but that's not who you are. The actual darkness is in the person who hurt you.
@Spiritriver
I'm equally sorry that you had to go through that. No one deserves to go through such a thing,no matter how bad they are. I'm happy that you were able to find a way out of the darkness and hoping that you never go back there.
I really hope that's not who I am. I hope they don't define the real me, whoever that is. I'll try to find the light, even though there doesn't seem to be any.
@anonyHuman2290
I've no doubt that for others, you are the light, but it can be hard to recognize in ourselves what others see in us. Someone once told me, "you can get to know yourself by looking for things to admire in others." It's not possible to see light in others unless it's also within you.
When I was going through that childhood trauma, and for years after, I only found light in animals and pets. They were my best teachers of unconditional love.
@Spiritriver
What about now? What makes you get up every morning? What drives your daily actions? What motivates you now?
@anonyHuman2290
My life has completely changed. It's a really long story - book length, including a long term relationship that was at least to some degree precipitated both the molestation and other forms of abuse, but I think two things happened. One was that I found meaning and fulfillment in caring for and about others, first as a CNA, then as a nurse. The second was that after half a life of suffering toxic relationships, I met someone who was both good for me and appreciated me. We've been together for 33 years and we still smile at each other upon awakening.
@Spiritriver
I'm genuinely happy that you found someone who is a constant reminder that you're light and that there is light around you. I just hope that'll be me someday.
@anonyHuman2290
Yes, you do deserve someone like that. Don't settle for less.