Struggling
I'm struggling with my own trust in me, an with my husband. Things have been rocky for years. But about a year ago. He woke me up by shoving me off the bed an demanded it an when I didn't began to yell at me half way down the hall I caved cause I didn't want him to wake the littles up to that..as he finished I told him that I didn't want to.
As a 10 year sa survivor an a r survivor this one incident broke all the work apart.. an now I'm struggling with trusting myself an him. He's recently started therapy an is doing some work, luck for him his insurance an va pay for that. Mine however would be 100+ a visit an i cant afford that. So i've been Journaling an doing art, an trying to find a safe space here.
Today he came back to that pushyness an I had a panic attack..i want to confront him on my feelings but I feel like it would do more damage because hes the type that that blows things out of purportion an character assisanates when confronted.
I need to reestablish the trust in me. But im struggling to find that ground. Any insite would be helpful.
Hi @placidPlane1200, I’m really glad you reached out and I'm sorry to hear about how much you've been managing lately. I can hear how shaken you are, not just by what happened a year ago, but by how today’s moment brought all of that fear and trauma right back to the surface.
When you’ve survived SA and rape, and then someone you trust crosses a boundary in a way that echoes that past harm, it can break open wounds you’ve worked so hard to heal. It makes complete sense that your trust in yourself and in him feels unstable right now.
The way you described that night, being shoved off the bed, being pressured, trying to protect your littles from hearing yelling, that’s a lot for one person to carry. You didn’t consent. You didn’t feel safe. And you were put in a position where your voice didn’t matter. Anyone in your situation would be struggling with trust after that.
It also sounds incredibly isolating that he’s able to access therapy while you’re left trying to cope on your own because of cost. Journaling, art, and finding safe spaces online are real forms of coping, but they’re not the same as having someone to help you navigate trauma. You’re doing the best you can with what you have, and that deserves recognition.
I can hear how conflicted you feel about confronting him. Wanting to speak your truth but knowing he tends to blow things out of proportion or turn things back on you, that’s such a painful place to be. It makes sense that you’re scared of making things worse. When someone reacts with character attacks or defensiveness, it becomes almost impossible to feel safe enough to express your needs.
The part about wanting to re-establish trust in yourself really stood out. After trauma, especially when it’s repeated or echoed in a relationship, it’s common to lose confidence in your own instincts, your own boundaries, your own sense of what’s okay.
You’re welcome to keep talking here if it helps you find some grounding. You don’t have to figure this out alone, and you don’t have to rush yourself into decisions that don’t feel safe.
I'm sending so many positive vibes to you 💜
Emma
@placidPlane1200 Hello 👋! If you want to chat and share how you feel i am happy to be there for you.
@placidPlane1200 please don't hesitate to text me
I'm exploring how far back my miss trust of myself an I questioned where inegan to feel miss trust. An the honest answered was in my childhood during the years of SA. So things my husband is doing are digging that up.
So today he again spent the past week pressuring me. An today I caved again but this time during i asked him if this would make him shut up ..an blurted out this is why I dont trust myself...after I asked for space, which he got upset with cause he was demanding I talk to him, an he responded by projecting that I must think hes the monster an that hes always the bad guy..i didn't respond I just went outside for space....
But in reflection I feel horrible for having in, an blurting out the things I did even if I ment them. I'm trying to see how I could have done things better an less reactive.
