Struggling to decide

June of last year, I moved out of my parents house to get out of a narcissistic and extreme toxic environment. I was out of that home for almost 7 months. Then medical issues came up and now I don't know what to do. I came back to the house to get everything figured out again. Which meant living with my parents. My step father is amazing and is kind. My half sister is sweet but stubborn at times. Its my mother who causes stress. She's the reason I left. Prior to leaving in June, I had dealt with years of figuring out who I am in regards to my personality and especially my gender identity. (AFAB) After moving out, I was able to think for myself and realized I am a transmale! So, I got to doctors and therapy and they agreed I am in a good spot to start testosterone. I was on Testosterone for about 4 months. When I moved back into the house, my mother told me that both of them (her and my father) would help me financially with copayments for appointments and medications. I got a referral from my new PCP for a clinic in a nearby city for starting gender care again, but my mother says I can't afford to pay for the meds and treatment. I am very frustrated because it is medical treatment. And she agreed to help with all of that. Along with that, I have ADHD. And I really only function when taking my meds specifically for that, I take concerta 36 mg. My PCP said that I was on too high of a dose and lowered me to 18 mg to see how it changes my behavior. I don't drive, so I am dependent on my mother to get places. She received a message from the pharmacy yesterday, saying my new concerta dosage was ready. Keep in mind, I had stopped taking the 36 mg of concerta with advice from my PCP to be able to eat, since it was completely wiping my appetite out. Thats the main reason why we are lowering the dose.. So, I have been going through withdrawl symptoms for about three days. Which sucks. I have a migraine all the time, I can't sit still and my anxiety along with my depression has gotten worse. I brought it up to my mother to pick up my medication earlier today, I would say around 3 PM. She got very snippy and asked why I didn't ask earlier. Even though, she knows I don't receive any messages about my meds unless I call and ask. And I didn't know it was filled because she has the notifications going to her number. I was also waiting for insurance to notify the pharmacy if they would be covering it. I feel horrible because I am going through withdrawl, not able to take my meds, and she makes me feel like it was my fault. It is now almost 6:30 PM. I still don't have my meds. I don't know when I'll be able to get them.

This is just of many instances where this has happened. She will turn something on me that I had no control over, and she did, and say its my fault. It makes me feel like crap.

She misgenders me, using the wrong pronouns and name whenever she's talking to and about me.

She knows I am transgender.

I left in June, hoping for space and time to figure myself out. And now coming back after almost 7 months of being correctly referenced to, hurts.

Nothing I do is ever good enough.

And on top of that, my grandmother on my mothers side wants me to apologize for everything. Apologize to my mother for the stress and pain "I" caused her. I don't think she realizes that half of that "pain", was because my mother lost control over my money, emotions, and what I can do.

She also controlled my thought pattern. Would sit in on my appointments for mental and physical health, so I would be to scared to open about my issues.

I never got the chance to live my own life, up until last year.

I am 19 and I turn 20 this year.

I have a loving boyfriend and a few friends who have stuck by my side through thick and thin.

But I can't help but feel alone in this.

One thing I wish people would see is I may do great one day:

Get cleaning and chores done. Get out of bed and socialize with others. Go outside or go around town and do things.

But possibly the next day:

I could be bed bound, not being able to move without being in pain. Crying off and on during the day. Only getting up for the restroom. And not eating.

Both of these are valid.

But people only see the first one as so.

And that hurts.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm completely exhausted from being seen as nothing more than the token older kid. Who has to keep the family together.

It isn't my job to regulate everyone's emotions in my family.

Its not my job to keep the peace.

What is my job, is to keep myself safe, happy, and alive.

Nothing else.

I wish I had somewhere else to go. But I don't.

My boyfriend and I are still a fairly new couple, so I don't see it as appropriate or needed for me to burden him and living with him.

All of my friends still live with their family or at college.

I am stuck.

Its terrifying.

I need advice, what should I do? Should I attempt to find another place to live or should I stay? Because even the testosterone situation doesn't bug me as much as the concerta issue. My body is withdrawing from these meds that I need.

(This was mostly me just trying to vent about things. Thank you for reading, even if was just parts. Any feedback is welcomed!)