(TW- Saying “when my mom dead” to my mom’s face

I have a problem with keep bringing up the death of my healthy mother.

I have been disconnected emotionally from my mom for a long time and I think the death of my grandma also triggers it.

For context I always seen death as beautiful and freeing. But my family especially my mom do not shared this belief and find it disturbing.

My mom always in a toxic relationship; my biological dad and current husband. Her current husband is a leech demon, where he drinks , destroy furniture, verbally abusive toward my mom, living of my mom’s hard earns money and act like the head of the house.

I moved out because I couldn’t handle it, we did get restraining order on him but my mom bring him back to our home without my knowledge, so now he is worst and a trip back home always leave me feeling depressed.

Pressure are all around for me to “save” my mom when I hardly functioning adult with tons of trauma I’m trying to heal. When they were speaking of future plan I accidently mention what I’m going to do after her death and my family find it disturbing.

I think in some way I wish it to be over because my heart ache with hopelessness everytime I see my mom and her situations.

She is a loving mother but she have too much heart to give to the point I can’t even if I tried to understand her.