TW: sexual abuse by a parent as a child

Thank you for your very kind, compassionate, supportive reply.

I would honestly love to talk 1:1 (though I am still learning how to use this app so not quite sure how to go about it?) and today I have ECT—it’s outpatient, and then I usually sleep all day afterwards lol.

Thank you, Lyra. For your words and offer. I appreciate you.

Lyra are you still around ?

Hi Aayla,

First I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for your (well thought out!) response and kindness. Secondly, I want to apologize. I’m sorry it has taken me 20 days to respond. That wasn’t intentional, but still wasn’t cool of me. I’m currently doing outpatient ECT and it’s kind of messing a bit with my memory. I’m sorry. Also this app is really confusing for me :( I’m sorry about that too

My parent is also the one who drives me to and from ECT. That added context… they’re the only one who is able and willing to drive me. It’s an hour each way and 2x a week right now. Unfortunately I’m dependent on them for that treatment… otherwise I would have to go inpatient, which I absolutely am avoiding at any cost due to 1) terrifies me, 2) I’ve been inpatient more times than I can count and it’s been like two normal years since the last time so I’m trying so hard not to go back to prove I’m capable and 3) TW: was sexually assaulted by a staff member at one place during a dissociative episode, and while I don’t remember it, it still scares me that it can happen and that it happened and yeah I don’t wanna be inpatient ever again.

Thank you for the suggestion of a domestic violence center or abuse place .. I do appreciate it and it’s been suggested before! Unfortunately, it’s not an option. The few places around here are really not meant for my situation. When I’ve upset my parent by not doing what was “asked”, or by setting boundaries, I’ve been kicked out and been homeless and have stayed at some of these shelters but they are very limited in help and are really just a one night emergency stay. This parent holds having a roof over my head against me.. and I’ve been kicked out and been homeless quite a few times. But the threat is always there, and I don’t want to be back on the street (I do havea car now so can sleep in my car). Idk. It’s complicated and kind of a delicate situation. Friends places: my best friend isn’t around anymore otherwise I’d be there and I have a sister but she likely wouldn’t let me stay long term because she doesn’t want the drama that comes with it (meaning my parent freaking out at her) and she isn’t aware, as far as I know, the extent Of the situation / the abuse.

I’ve searched for a therapist for a long time, and I do go to groups and such, at a clinic (well, two clinics) which has therapists, yet they all say they are unqualified to take me on. This is what usually happens when I reach out to a potential therapist online (like psychiatry today)—they may be marked as “trauma informed” and even trauma specialists… but then as soon as they hear that I’m diagnosed with DID, they say they can’t take me on because they have no experience or because it’s outside their comfort area. I’ve gone to therapists and have asked for referrals… I guess where I live, there’s nothing for me for that… at this point I would be okay tho with a therapist just to work on trauma and anxiety and other stuff but I think they think I can’t handle that without the DID becoming involved. I was told by my last legit therapist (of 8 years) that I needed a DID specialist and at this point I don’t think they exist :(

There is some context missing from this post of mine, and my reply, context regarding my parent who hurts me, which complicates things and is part of why I feel so… helpless. I mean I am helpless in some ways, like they legally control my finances, because I’m not considered able to care for myself due to my mental illness and apparently I am unable to make my own judgments. This missing context is also… why I’m kinda stuck here with them.

And I’d really love a therapist to help. Truly I’m just breaking down and accepting that this is my life and it’s not going to change.

Thank you again though for your thoughtful and kind reply. :)

Hi!

Even if the intention by the doctors wasn’t meant to be harmful and they did it for your health, if it made you uncomfortable, and feels inappropriate to you when you think of it, then I would say yes.

I recall during check-ups as a kid, there was a similar thing. I would always have my checkups with my older sister, and she would go first but we would be in the same room, and my mother would be there as well, I’d usually be off to the side of the room sitting in a chair next to my mom while my sister was examined. The pediatrician was a woman, and we saw the same one for most of our childhoods, so I don’t mean to imply that it’s similar to your situation. When my sister got to a certain age, I think like 9/10 years old, the doctor would “check” down there. Like you wrote, examine her private area. She said it was to make sure that it was all normal and developing okay. When I hit that age, I refused… adamantly. like I just kept saying no. The doctor gave me the same explanation I heard her give to my sister in the past, and was very gentle about it, but I still refused. In my mind, no one was meant to look down there except for (the person at home). My mother was there for my refusal, just like she was there when my sister was examined in the same manner. My mother tried to convince me to allow the doctor to “check”, but I didn’t care and just kept refusing. My mother even said I would be marked as a difficult patient in my chart. Haha. But that still didn’t change my mind.

The thing is, my pediatrician gave me, my mother, and my sister, an explanation for why she was doing this. And she didn’t spring it on as a surprise,, she informed my mom and asked, not really forced. She offered privacy, too, like with my sister, she asked if she’d like me to leave the room. She let me say no, and each yearly check up after that, she would try again to ask but I would still refuse.. eventually she stopped asking and she never looked there. It was also the same pediatrician, who I had known for a while and developed trust/a relationship with.. not 3 different ones.

So. What I’m trying to say is while they are meant to “check” that things are developing right, if it felt wrong to you, go with your gut. If you felt uncomfortable, exposed, ashamed… and especially since it was different doctors, yeah, trust yourself. The doctors may not have intended any harm, and were just doing their job, but they definitely could have gone about it better, in a less scary way. You were a child, and didn’t know what was going on or why it was happening and probably felt scared and violated. I’m sorry.

Hi!

So in regards to grounding and internal communication and such: I had a therapist (a psychologist)for 8 years who, while not a specialist in DID, was really, really good with this and extremely helpful. When he realized I had DID, and after getting other opinions/psych testing that backed this up, and after all the neurological testing and ruling out other things like seizures, he even took workshops on DID and learned as much as he could to help. Well. He helped us set boundaries, and set up a reward system (sticker chart) with one of my parts (a little), the main one who wants to please this parent. Like if she didn’t sleep in the same bed with them, would get a sticker on the sticker chart. That kind of stuff. Really helped to establish boundaries. And he tried to teach proper boundaries between parents and children, or even just other adults, since getting taken advantage of sexually happened with other people towards this one child part, learning to say NO was important for that part. And he tried to open up communication between us, and it was pretty successful for a while. Not exactly direct communication or journaling, since most parts weren’t aware of each other or were incapable of writing (I guess?).. but, for example, the “little” alters learned to ask for an alter who was like a caretaker when situations arose that I guess warranted it?

We lost that therapist, and so a lot (most) of that progress was also lost. Anddddd as such, the boundaries have basically completely broken down and have become crossed again with this parent. I don’t even know the half of it, since I’m not always aware what’s happened. In the past, with our old therapist, other parts would inform him during session if something occurred with this parent. And that’s usually how I’d find out.

We tried to do the sticker chart with a different , new therapist. Didn’t work. Idk. That part won’t move on from our old therapist. Doesn’t understand that he’s gone, I guess?

ISTDD did help me find a few professionals before, but unfortunately didn’t work out or not equipped to deal with this situation. Or are telehealth only, and that doesn’t really work—we tried. The other thing is, I’d prefer a male therapist bc of trauma, and that makes it even harder. Have tried 6 therapists in the past year and a half,, most which were disasters and humiliating. And only 2 were men.

I’m at the point where I am worrying I need to be in like, a group home or residential facility, or god forbid a hospital for the rest of my life, since I can’t make it better, am not really able to become independent, and it doesn’t seem like any professionals around me are able or willing to help. My memory is a mess, I feel I’m barely functioning, idk what to do anymore, and am scared that I’ll just end up back in a hospital that doesn’t help me. I’ve reached out to literally everyone on psychiatry today who was either near my area OR took my insurance, and who came up with the dissociative specialty OR trauma specialty… no help. Apparently psychiatry today just automatically selects things as “specialties” for professional’s profiles if they even have slight experience with it.. learned this after receiving so many confused responses that were “yeah, I don’t specialize in that, and don’t know why you think I do”. Anddd ones who do aren’t taking on new clients. It’s like… no luck. McLean hospital used to have a dissociative disorders program, and that’s what I wish I could do. But they don’t have it anymore. Disabled it during covid.

I really don’t know what to do. Like, I really don’t. I appreciate your suggestions, I do, and I don’t mean to shoot them down. I just. I’ve tried so hard to find a professional to help. To even just talk to not even about trauma or anything. It doesn’t help that I tried a few therapists this past year+ who didn’t believe I had trauma (I didn’t tell them—it was communicated through my old psychiatrist) and who didn’t believe I have DID and were extremely mean about it. which I would love it if I didn’t have DID. That’s why I’ve gotten so many other opinions and testing done. I don’t want to keep getting hurt. I want to be OK. And able to be independent, both literally and LEGALLY.

Everything seems impossible right now and I’m sorry that’s on me. Im being a big downer right now .. im really not ina good headspace. I’m sorry.