Things got worse beyond expectations

   Trigger warning

In general, I tend to imagine the worst case scenario, especially with my parents. But I understimated them, sadly. And while I want to believe I will never do the same mistake, I can't promise this to myself since some things are against my control. This vacation ruined all my efforts of the year, and I'm not exaggerating. It destroyed my self confidence, sleep routine, energy, health, everything. Even my  HEARING. Oh, and also my self motivation. Being optimistic and grateful actually seems counterintuitive. The vacation started awfully, with her screaming at us before we head to the airport. But the flight wasn't even bad. No. It was horrible, but a bearable kind of horrible for someone with family trauma and probably a bunch of mental health issues. I was naive enough to think that it was nothing I didn't deal with before, and maybe I could even have fun, who knows? WRONG. Because I didn't know that she would make me sick on purpose, which by the way, I still don't wanna believe.

   But there's worse. I basically was made sick by swimming in the sea nearby, and then in the super small apartment we located, (that I would call a room honestly) she insisted on putting the conditioner on, and when I told her to stop it, she said her hair and my sister's were even more wet then mine, so it was ok. But what I didn't know, is that they then dried their hair without me seeing. Then, surprisingly, I catched a cold. My ears became all weird, I had no energy, my throat couldn't swallow my saliva without them hurting like crazy. It was super hot outside, and I had no appetite. So I did everything in the next days, to push them to go outside and leave me alone because at least I wouldn't have the pain of hearing them argue, and my ears were hurting so bad I didn't wanna risk putting headphones on them. Because you'd think there's nothing worse then living with a narcissist, right? WRONG. The worst is living with two narcissists- my grandiose typa "mother" and my worse-then-*** narcissistic sister, AND basically share the same room.

    You thought apart from that, it couldn't get worse? Well, unfortunately, it did. Shockingly enough, when they finally left after taking pleasure in making me wait by taking hours to prepare, I felt like ***. Like, I didn't feel content, nor free. Because guess what? They closed the door from inside with the key, because it was the "only way" for which it could close itself. I didn't even verify. She knew I was exhausted. I couldn't even move to eat, and my mouth was so sore, I couldn't talk. I needed to eat, but I didn't want to. I scrolled like mad, or my equivalent of it which is searching endlessly a video to cure my thoughts, but loosing my attention span in the end, hating everything and continuing to press into the next one. It's the worst.

   But not quite. So the day passed, I wanted to vomit, not because of the nausea that much but because of my mother that is so disgusting. You know how my sister reacted on my sickness? She felt jealous. Jealous! And she acted like I was faking it, wanting to be "treated like a princess". A princess? Many dogs were treated better than me. At least, their masters take them to the doctor when they get sick. I don't often get that luxury. When my mother and her golden child aren't out, they likely act like my pain is nonexistent. I just can't wrap my head round the fact that some people are that entitled, I just can't, it makes me crazy.  And selfish, and so illogical. One time, they had left the air conditioner control on the table before a small walk to the market. So I took it and close it, and while I knew the consequences, I hid it. The thing is the place I put it in was to easy to find, and she, after threatening me and pushing me out of bed, and yelling at me and insulting me to know the place, ended up finding it. Since that moment, she always went out with it so I don't hide it, and no matter how much I tried to make her close it at night, she didn't want to and so I suffered more every day, getting more sick, my brain even trying to gaslight me into believing it's not that bad, but my body knows and knew.

   How can you not feel like a victim? How can you still be a survivor, when you can't even control where you go, when you can't avoid getting physical damage that could be undone by just putting off the conditioner? How close I felt to healing, but how far! How depressing can that be? And if you're still there, congratulations, because it got worse. The not even hidden insults, the sneaky remarks, my mother putting the lights on all night when I wanted to sleep early because she " was to tired to wok in the coffee outside" , my sister acting all on respect but singing hard immediately (more like screaming) with her triggering voice like every time I get sick when I'm not allowed to sing unless bad words, and putting on her annoying animated series on her ipod because she's a little addicted to the screens kid, even when I told her I had enough of the sounds at night. Meanwhile, great saint mother bought me medications, as I asked, but don't get fooled, she used them to "order me" of taking them, as if it wasn't what I wanted in the first place, and pressure me to do it fast when I was so nauseous. I still don't know what my sickness is, and oh don't get me started on my "sister" repeating that I'm ruining the vacations we never  had. It's still not over.

   So, on thursday night, came her friend, and suddenly, it's like I wasn't sick at all. I wasn't nauseous, I had someone to talk to, someone interesting, and honestly, healthy and normal, which was so rare I climbed onto her until she returned. I dressed up, I went out with them, I was funny, even if my voice wasn't voicing, you know. Hope had returned. Magically. (things aren't in chronological order btw) I thought maybe coming to their house was gonna be less-hellish than there, and I was waiting for it. But that night, mother put the conditioner on, and so the next day, I was getting worse. I don't really know how all that's next happened, but we were waiting for a taxi, I forgot to bring my luggage with me and I was like faiting, they insulted me, sister hit me with it, like "Take it!"and so, with rage, I pushed her violently with her hair. She didn't even need to cry. Mother came instantly, seeing me, and she left me a bruise on my arm that is still a little there. In front of the whole street. She was proud. Saying to a random woman " See, she hit her sister so I hit her back" and she looked at us like we're a family of savages. Probably, yes. I wish I didn't take part in it. I felt destroyed, like never before. I sit on a place accross the street, like a homeless, for hours maybe.  Then on, she moved the flight, called her friend,  told her it all. When we came to their house, she insulted me in front of them, literally humiliating me like it's nothing. But actually, they didn't even notice that. The parents were so healthy, and so understanding that they took all my "horrible crimes" as jokes. They even said they were doing the same. I was almost crying. My friend, that I haven't seen in years, had parents so healthy, so caring, so normal, but she still reproached things they do. And like, I would have done Erything for parents like that; they weren't even perfect! But they were accepting their mistakes, open, honest, fun, healthy. The family has their issues and their conflicts, but they don't dramatize them. And I can never, never have her luck. (still there!)

  Going to the airport; the flight was ***, I had massive insomnia last night. I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't. Zero hour. The only reason I was still walking, was for the light I was seeing out of the tunnal. Our house. My bedroom. My bed. My computer. My books. My space. My friends, hopefully. But we arrived late. I got exhausted, and had to carry on. I feel even more deaf because of the plane, and the conditioner. Father's gonna took us today. Narcissistic too, of course. I can't even rest. I'm desperate. Hopeless. They don't wanna let me stay alone here. I have to go to his house. I had death thoughts the other day. I know he won't heal me. I know I'll feel depressed. It's the afternoon, and I'm on pajamas, haven't ate breakfast. I feel so miserable. What life could I have had if I had my distant friend's parents? If I didn't have this family?