Trauma an grief

I I almost feel like thus should be a cross post. I've never been diagnosed with Cptsd an didn't even know about it till shortly after my mom's suicide/death. I was looking for grief support because I was hanging by a thread. After alot of reading I feel alot of the markers fit me almost uncomfortablely so. My mom an I had a complicated relationship. We were never close. She was an alcoholic an her an my dad's divorce was messy. I was often the one dealing with her anger. Also I was sexually abuse by a family member on her side. When I told her she refused to believe me an continued to try to include this person in events. At the ripe age of 13 I finally had enough an fough back. She sent me to live with my dad. As I was riminising on this memory the other day I realized something that's hurt when she signed over to me living with my dad the discussion was " if I sign you to your dad I won't pay child support or do visitations with you, you have to come over when you want an I feel like seeing you" . It didn't occur to me what she was saying till now that she was giving me up ..that she no longer wanted me. An as with all the thing she did an said none of this has validation or closure an I'm just left with it. The fall out from her suicide/death has opened up all the mother wounds an I see in so many ways how it's dictated the trajectory of my life an choices an the weight of its immense. I'm still trying though. But it's moment's like these where I discovere the depth of another traumatic event that I feel lost.