Trauma responses from my past are haunting me

Hi everyone, I just joined and wanted to share something I’ve been struggling with. I’m just trying to understand myself and move forward with honesty. I appreciate hard love and honesty, i think i need someone to judge me

I met someone in December and we became intimate quickly. He went abroad soon after, and in February he told me he didn’t want a relationship. That was really hard to hear because I felt something deep for him. During the following months — January to March — I was still seeing him sometimes, but also got involved with others.

What I didn’t fully realize at the time was that I was reacting to something deeper: I had experienced a sexual trauma in December, and I never processed it. I buried it. I think now, with more clarity, that I was trying to reclaim control over my body. To feel powerful, wanted, and safe — even if it was through the wrong means. It was a trauma response, not a conscious, clear-headed choice.

By April, things shifted between us emotionally. I stopped seeing anyone else completely. We became official in June. But now the past is coming up. He’s asking questions. He knows parts of the truth, but not all. I’ve been afraid to say everything because I feel so ashamed.

I am starting therapy and I’m finally facing all of this. I’m ready to take responsibility — not out of guilt, but because I want to heal and be better, for myself and for the people I love.

I guess I’m asking…am I really that monster i feel I am? How do you forgive yourself and move forward when your past hurts someone you care about?