Trauma sexual assault r*pe (trigger warning)
Hi, this is the first time I’ll be posting here, to be honest my mind is still a mess right now. Just wanna know your thoughts about this, feel free to share your opinion and I’m posting this as well to get this off my chest which hopefully would help
Recently my friends (guy friends, who I am in the same circle with) has confronted me about me making them feel uncomfortable because they can sense the awkwardness in me whenever I’m with them, whether its in message or calls, they sense the same vibes that I am uncomfortable/awkward with them. They said that I was giving them vibes that they will sexually assault me or that they will do something bad to me (Even tho we’ve been in the same circle and close for almost a decade, some of them are the husbands of my bestfriends) They confronted me how I always make them feel that I’m uncomfortable being around them and that it feels like I am labeling them as a possible predator which one of my guy friend (my best friend’s husband) came to me and he was very furious because of what I’m unconsciously doing with them (These people are aware of my trauma about being sexually assaulted and r*pe) They called me off as they said they are also a victim themselves but they are furious as I am labeling them with those abusers. To be honest I was totally unaware that is what I was making them feel. All of them knows that I was aloof with men but me on the other hand I only realize it just recently. They said they understand my trauma but its getting worst each day on how I’m making them feel unconsciously. One of my friend (a woman) told me that there is still might be something that I haven’t fully accepted in me, that probably a part of me is denying the fact that I was a victim. the other day and yesterday they were calling me out and even tho those words are harsh I knew to myself that they have a point, it wasn’t only me who’s a victim, they are also. I would admit a part of me, felt that I was being invalidated but I also understand the fact that whether it was unconscious I still am responsible for what I made them feel.
first experience was with my father, second one was a friend who I trusted and treated as my brother. My boyfriend told me that I needed to admit it to myself first and acknowledge that I was a victim so I can move forward and stop what I was unconsciously doing to my male friends.
@Sunny0109 Hi. How are you? I hope youre doing well now.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. First, I want to acknowledge that your feelings are completely valid. Trauma affects people in deep and complex ways, and it’s not something you can just “get over.” It takes time, self-compassion, and often, support from people who truly understand.
Understanding Your Reaction
Your body and mind learned to associate men with danger due to past experiences of betrayal and harm. Trauma can create deeply ingrained responses—your discomfort around men isn’t a conscious choice but rather a protective mechanism your mind has developed to keep you safe.
It makes sense that your male friends feel hurt, but their reaction also seems to come from their own struggles rather than a true understanding of your trauma response. They are focusing on how it affects them, rather than asking how they can support you. While you may have unintentionally made them uncomfortable, their anger seems misplaced. It is not your fault for having trauma responses.
Acknowledging Your Trauma
Your boyfriend’s advice is worth considering, but healing doesn’t just come from "admitting" you were a victim. Healing happens in layers. A part of you may intellectually understand what happened, but another part may still struggle to process it emotionally. Your reactions to men might be a sign that your body and subconscious are still in survival mode.
A therapist would likely encourage you to explore:
- How do you feel about your past experiences? Are there emotions you’ve suppressed?
- What happens in your body when you're around men? Do you feel tense, fearful, or frozen?
- What would make you feel safer? Maybe setting boundaries or working through these feelings with professional help.
Balancing Their Feelings and Yours
It’s okay to recognize how your behavior affects others, but you should not feel pressured to “fix” yourself for their comfort. You were harmed in ways that take time to heal from. If they truly care, they should approach this with compassion, not anger.
If you feel comfortable, you might tell them:
"I never intended to make you feel that way. My trauma responses aren’t a reflection of you personally, but they are something I’m working through. I appreciate your patience while I figure out how to heal."
If they are true friends, they will be willing to understand rather than just be angry at you for something beyond your control.
Next Steps for Healing
- Consider therapy. A trauma-informed therapist can help you work through these deep-seated responses.
- Practice self-compassion. You are not broken, and you are not a burden.
- Find a safe space. If your friends can’t be that for you, find support elsewhere—whether it's trusted loved ones, a support group, or professionals.
You don’t owe anyone an immediate “fix” to your trauma responses. Healing is a journey, and you deserve kindness from yourself and from others along the way. We're here for you at 7 cups to assist. Please take care, you are a very very brave child 💙
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate your comment and opinons towards my experience. My boyfriend has been helping and is very supportive of me. In fact he told me that my friends understood me its just that its greatly affecting them. I will not invalidate their feelings as well, as they are also a victim themselves and they aren’t letting their trauma affect anyone. He talked to them to understand their sides as well and he never invalidated me, he said he knows I’ve been through a lot and he told me we will heal together. He even almost got into a fight a couple of times because he was siding on me, telling them to be careful of their words that they are using against me. Just an update, I am somehow talking to them now but not fully. They said they understand the trauma its just they hate how my trauma response affects them negatively.
