Traumatized and/or guilty?
I feel guilty over the event that caused me to have severe trauma.
My mom went through my messages with friends where I was venting about her to them. Some not so nice things were said in them, and I feel terrible about it. It was in times where I was being yelled at and felt I needed support.
It was my graduation week, and it was *** for me. I have never felt so much fear in my life. Not that my mom would hurt me, but it felt like my entire life was ending. The entire summer was awful, and as I started college, as the months passed I began showing many symptoms of PTSD, such as avoidance and nightmares. I avoid all of my friends I had then, the city my school was in, and anything that remotely reminds me of it.
It’s been two years now, and I still feel these symptoms as strongly as ever, even after going to a therapist at my college. The main reason I feel so fearful of my mom bringing it up is that, besides having PTSD surrounding the event, I feel guilty over it. People say it is normal to feel guilt after a traumatic event, but I really do have a reason to feel it.
Does anyone have any advice that could help put it into perspective for me? It consumes all of my waking and sleeping thoughts.
@florakentwell Hi. It was really brave of you to talk about this situation. Guilt is tough. It sounds like you feel genuinely remorseful for what happened. I think that means a lot and you have good character.
I doubt there’s anyone out there who hasn’t vented about someone from time to time, what they did or our feelings. Like you mentioned, it was during a time of conflict. It was relatable that you needed to express and wanted support.
I also understand that you might have regrets with parts of that, maybe the harshness of the words or wishing you never had those conversations at all. It is ok in hindsight to wish you’d done things differently. We all have regrets. You are human. It is ok to take something and learn from this. Do you think you could offer yourself some compassion for making a mistake? Could you feel for yourself for needing support in a difficult conflict, even if you wish you went about it differently? It can be hard to forgive ourselves completely (speaking for myself), but just looking at ourselves with a little kindness like someone else would can make a world of difference.
Have you ever talked to your mom about this since the incident? I think in the heat of the moment when something is first discovered and the conflict happens, we may not get to say everything we want to. We might even think of things later we wish we’d said. From what you wrote it sounds like you have some fear about having a conversation with your mom? Is the fear that perhaps she’ll say things that will add to the guilt? What would you think about writing her a letter to express your remorse, instead of in person? You could always start by writing her a letter but not sending it and instead burning it, and see how you feel.
As much suffering as we feel with guilt, I really want to tell you that it made me think highly of you to see that you feel guilty. Maybe that doesn’t make sense. But so many people don’t feel regret like that, or if they do they never admit it. Many people go to great lengths to avoid their guilty feelings by turning it around to 100% blame the other person without taking any responsibility, or lash out on others in their lives in anger. It is human to do any of this from time to time, but I feel so much admiration for anyone who can look within.
Sometimes (speaking for myself again) we can take more responsibility than we should. I’m sorry you’re suffering so much with this. I believe you will get through this. You’re not a bad person.
