Trigger Warning: p3do/incest trauma

Hello, first time using this space but I’m at my wits end I feel.

Last year, I found searches on my dad’s phone. You know, the kind you wouldn’t ever imagine finding. I called the police without his knowledge, they investigated and found no actual CP so they said “we can’t do anything”. I looked again at the search list trying to find something to get him arrested on, no dice, and one last time..again to no prevail. Each time I looked the searches were more and more about me. “Chubby daughter, ped dad’s train daughter” etc. I am stuck on a loan for a car I share with my dad that he can’t get a new loan for, and if I address all of this he would surely just stop paying and ruin my credit.

I feel lost & hopeless. I’ve lost close people to me bc they didn’t see this as a big deal. “I’m disappointed in you for calling the cops on your dad and not addressing this with him”. My dad’s side knows and hasn’t said much, checked in at all to be honest. They seemed so upset when I told them and now it’s as if I never did.

My friends don’t check in anymore, I don’t think they know how. I haven’t been able to address it in therapy but she knows it happened. I feel as shocked as I did the day I saw the initial searches if not more. I want to leave him in my past, tell him how much I hate him and be done with it. I’m stuck, I had my life on track and it derailed every single thing I had going for me. I stopped trying to go back to school, stuck at my job and left my 3 and a half year long relationship. I don’t really have the urge to keep trying to make things better. I’m not s**cidal, please don’t think that, I’m just very tired and wish I was past all of this.

I’m sad, I’m lost and I’m broken. I don’t know where to look for support groups, for help. I feel alone, so incredibly alone.

Thank you for listening, for those that do, I know this is an incredibly hard topic…I just don’t know where else to scream into the void anymore.