Trusting a (former) abuser?...

Have you let back in someone who has abused you in the past into your life?

I made a post on this prior, but long story short, I had to borrow money from my (abusive) mother due to my medical issues, which caused me to he unable to work...

Growing up, she physically and verbally abused me, as well as SA(I dont want to go into detail). She has NEVER apologized NOT acknowledged doing the things she did. The closest to an apology I have ever gotten was "Sorry YOU feel that way" and I dont expect one...

She wants me to come visit her city, which is 1,000+ kilometers away. My oldest brother lives with her, and he's pretty mellow.

I dont get along with my 2nd oldest and younger brother (they live in the same city I currently live in). 

I only thought of visiting my mother to get away from some trauma here (ex. My ex-fiancé attempted to make me unalive, I called the cops on him... he's still roaming the streets. A former friend stalks my house and my whereabouts by following me even to my DV support groups, and a guy I briefly dated has said some scary/threatening things and is a little unhinged that I had to escape him.)

The only way I would feel safe leaving my house really is if my (long distance) partner comes. He hasn't been able to based on circumstances, but... he might actually be able to next week or 2 weeks from now.

My mother wanted me to come next week based on our schedules aligning pretty well, but I dont know... 

I currently have some medical issues and hope she won't be stressful during the week I visit... I also dont know if I can take certain meds on the plane? I would have to read the rules.

Anyways...

I don't feel any love/connection to her either... its very weird. She never said "I love you" growing up, and once I was college age, she'd love me and still does to this day. Its uncomfortable. She used to say those things too, in order to get what she wants.

She is more mellowed out, now that she's an older age, so less likely to be physically abusive. Maybe still passive-aggressive rudeness here and there... hm...

Honestly, I moreso would only want to go to see my oldest brother. He's probably the only blood relative that I'm pretty OK with. I dont talk to my mother's nor father's side of the family... its riddled with abuse, alcohol, drugs, and problems... or we just dont have a connection other than just being "blood related". 

I've tried building connections with my family, but its awkward and/or disappointing... I dont want to be the only one reaching out anymore. I think I'm good.

The only people I truly care about are my son and my partner.

Idk if I should go or not... it's a break away from the pain in this city and away from the other two brothers, but then I'm entering a different domain with (possible) other stress. Just weighing the pros & cons.

If my partner is able to come next week, then I won't be going at all. I haven't seen my partner in person for months. I miss him so much. 💖 He should be getting his license here soon for the job field he's going into. We're hoping to move out of this city and/or state. He can get a job anywhere.

Once I recover, I hope to continue finishing my classes and get licensed in my field. We'd be making good money and can get a house with double the income and live away from both of our abusers (he comes from a dysfunctional family, albeit, he got a lot more physical abuse than I did... it makes me sad... )

Right now, I applied for cash assistance, just waiting on application.