Uncomfortable feelings

*may be triggering*

     I recently met my father's friends's daughters, and while they're cool, I can't shake this uncomfortable feeling whenever I meet them. I always show a different part of me whenever I befriend someone, never the whole picture. But this time, I feel like I'm portraying a dark part of me I don't like. I feel empty. Uncomfortable x 1000. And while I have this distant thought that I should be having fun, I don't really. Father started with "how polite these children are" then I knew how it would end : "I'm so ashamed of you when I see my friends's daughters. It's not that he thinks it that hurts me, it's that I'm treated that way, it's that he dares saying that after all he did to me. It's weird how whenever my parents meet their friends's kids, they always say "how well educated they are!" . No matter how flawed they would be. And I, would never be enough "well educated". I hate how I'm always mocked, silenced, it hurts. I wish it didn't but I'm not a superhero. I'm just a girl who pretends she's fine, but never really is.

    I hate how when father describes me, he really talk about himself. He sees me as dumb, ungrateful, sometimes crazy sometimes narcissistic. The worst of all is how my sister never thinks it's weird a grown up man wants her to be her mother basically, and treats her daughter, a teen, like she's the devil personnified. He even said it once. I hate how they'll always get away with how they treat me. Like trash. Or like the cats. Sometimes they give me sweets and caresses, sometimes they just want me to get out, but also just so much that I'm humiliated andnot too much that I am free. Actually maybe if they pushed me to the streets it would be easier. But I know it wouldn't. I know watching screens at night is unhealthy, but it's the only way to escape. I know there's books and meditation but that's when I'm actually not panicked. I can't hold on, I always experience worse when I think I reached the bottom. Actually they can always be worse. I have no escape. I do have plans, but they rely on them. THEY have to accept letting me go. And they will never. I feel disgust, and nausea, and so many things.

Do you love your mom? Said the girl. 

I stayed silent. The breeze was cold. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lie; not again. 

"I know some people hate their parents."

I said it was complicated. She hugged me, and said she loved me deep inside, and I loved her, really. It was the reason I was touched by her words, it must. But when her arms touched my shoulders, I felt nothing. The same pain, stagnant. 

I can't even leave a question for this. There would be no answer. Nobody has an answer for me.

Anyway how great is life:)