“Unlocked” past
I genuinely do/ did not remember most of my life before 10th grade, so a few years less then half of my life I had no memories of other then the stories that are always brought up, but it’s never that I remember it, I just know it happened because so many other people can confirm it. I recently accidentally remembered a huge part of my past, the reason I cannot get along with my mother. I had to call my brother and ask him if it really happened and he said he blocked out most of our childhood too, but once I told him what I remembered, other details of the incident came back to us. Anyway. I need advice on how to move past it or something because I have a close family, I can’t just write off my mom for something I forgot about for 27 years when everyone else managed to move passed it years ago while my brother and I just chose to forget it. I just don’t know what to do upon realizing the reason I think people would be better off without me alive is because my mother told me so for years. I need tools, resources, support, anything to make me feel even more useless for letting her words and actions from all those years ago subconsciously making me the erratic and depressed person I still am in my mid 30s.
@honestCup9669
Hello there! Im Khai! Its lovely to meet you
It sounds like you've had a pretty troubled past and cant remember most things that happened before 10th grade.
After many years of not being able to remember much you recently remember something that affected your relationship with your mother quite drastically, which I'm sorry to hear about. It looks like these memories really have impacted you after also consulting your brother to find out they're true.
I hear you. It really sounds like you want to get past what you remembered in order to keep your family relationships together, and in order to do so you would need to move past your mother really hurting you. I'm very sorry to hear about the reason you've felt like people would be better off without you is because of your mother. That is something i can imagine must've been extremely hurtful upon finding it out.
Sometimes in order to move past things we need to gain a little bit of closure. Have you tried speaking to your mother about what you remembered? Do you think an apology would help with the hurt you are feeling right now? I do want to say though. Just because you remembered and are affected by something that happened years ago doesn't make your feelings any less valid then if you were to remember it when you were young. Your mother did something that sounds like it hurt you so much you tried to forget it. The hurt and resent you are feeling towards your mother makes loads of sense, you didn't deserve her words or anything she did to you. That doesn't change over the amount of time its been since its happened.
One thing i find helps to build confidence to ensure her words still don't affect you is to build a positive mantra. Maybe start your day by saying something like " I AM worthwhile " " I deserve so much more" etc etc.
If you feel it may help it would also be totally valid if you wanted to take some time away from your mother to ensure that you can process everything. What she did to you gives you every right to be upset and its important to take steps to ensure your wellbeing first.
And finally, my last tip would be to let the negative emotions flow. Its important not to invalidate our feelings which can cause them to build up. This build up can totally affect the healing process. If you are feeling sad, you are feeling sad. There's no such thing as " I'm overreacting because this happened years ago and I'm still allowing myself to feel affected by it" Do remember no matter the emotion there is always a real reason behind it.
Thank you so much for sharing. It was lovely to hear a small part of your story. I hope you find the support/help you deserve on cups and i hope you're able to get past all of this in a great state.
You are powerful 🖤
You are strong 🖤
You are worth it 🖤
You will get past whatever hurdles are thrown your way 🖤
You deserve it 🖤
You are getting better every day 🖤
Your life has meaning, what you do has meaning. Your actions are meaningful and inspiring 🖤
Much love,
Khai
@honestCup9669 hugs ❤ I don't know what to advice or say to comfort you.. I'm 21 years old I can't remember the last year or so I was with my owners which is probably for the best because during that time they shattered the bottom of my spine. But yeah I get not remembering stuff. It's very hard not really knowing. Unlike you did 27 years later I hope I never remember. But all I can say is do what's right for you ❤ tc if your safety first ❤ even if your decision means you might hurt a family member your are the person you need to take care of ❤ goodluck I wish you all the happiness in the world